1. What should the Bears look for in their next head coach?
|Brian Moore: A mustache, duh.|
|Matt Pais: Energy. Strength. Honesty. Though I'd settle for someone who actually talks.|
|Jane Monzures: Dark glasses, mustache, hot temper, smokes cigars.|
|Kat Velez: Competency. And a good mustache.|
|Ben Johnson: Five offensive linemen and a defense in its 20s.|
2. Why is Derrick Rose so excited about making left turns in practice?
|Brian Moore: He's secretly a big NASCAR fan.|
|Matt Pais: He's endorsing a new brand of turn signal. Would you really use some off-brand signal he doesn't support?|
|Jane Monzures: Left turns are scary, especially in oncoming traffic.|
|Kat Velez: He's preparing for his second career as a NASCAR driver.|
|Ben Johnson: He's been rehabbing like crazy so he can start again this year -- in NASCAR.|
3. Now that Bulls guard Nate Robinson's contract is guaranteed ...
|Brian Moore: ... his performance will inexplicably plummet.|
|Matt Pais: ... he can start paying me back. The "for what" and "why" is not important.|
|Jane Monzures: ... the Luvabulls can start calling him Nate instead of Mr. Robinson.|
|Kat Velez: ... can those "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" Nike commercials make a comeback?|
|Ben Johnson: ... 3s will be chucked.|
4. What should Northwestern get for winning the Gator Bowl?
|Brian Moore: The Bears' spot in the NFL.|
|Matt Pais: They won? Congrats. Not interested. The bowl system is stupid.|
|Jane Monzures: A season's supply of Gator bites. Tastes just like chicken!|
|Kat Velez: Another 64-year drought.|
|Ben Johnson: A one-game playoff with the Jaguars to be Jacksonville's NFL team.|
5. How are you preparing for the NFL playoffs?
|Brian Moore: Steeling myself for a sickening amount of feel-good stories about Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning.|
|Matt Pais: By actually caring and planning to watch. The operative word is "playoffs."|
|Jane Monzures: Just like my team, packing my suitcase and heading home.|
|Kat Velez: By glaring at my sister, the Colts fan. Yes, I'm bitter!|
|Ben Johnson: I've been reading up on the IMDB pages of all my favorite Taco Bell commercial actors.|