Hang on, Adam Dunn. Don’t do anything stupid, don’t say anything stupid, don’t do anything a Guillen kid would do.
Just be the big, lovable guilty pleasure you’ve always been, and the misery that has been your 2011 season will disappear this month. Guaranteed. Trust me. Bet it.
Stevie Sunshine is here to tell you that your hallelujah moment comes in less than two weeks. Twelve days to be exact. Mark it down. Circle the calendar. Buy seats in the right-field bleachers, kids. Your season turns around on June 20.
That’s when the Cubs go to the South Side.
Sure, Dunn is pathetic enough right now to start for the Cubs, but the Cubs are the answer to Dunn’s horrible season. The Cubs are the answer to everybody’s horrible season. I mean, just look:
The Astros were the worst team in the National League when they came into Wrigley Field. Then they left with a sweep and are just a game behind the Cubs.
Albert Pujols was hitting .260-something and had homered once in nine games when the Cubs showed up in St. Louis. By the time the weekend was over, Pujols had gone 6-for-11, driven in seven runs, and hammered four homers, two of them extra-inning walkoffs to complete the sweep.
Moving on to Cincinnati, the Cubs got getting called out by their best starter, then proceeded to roll over and die. That’s the second time they have been ripped by one of their own and proceeded to look heartless on the field.
Moment of silence for the passing of the Cubs’ self-respect.
*silence, silence, silence*
Thank you. We now return to our regularly scheduled torching of the Cubs and happy talk about the end of Dunn’s miserable 2011.
In Cincinnati, the Cubs faced Edinson Volquez, a starter who throws hard but never knows where it’s going. Patience and discipline at the plate would be the key for the Cubs, and so, of course, in his return from the minors, Volquez walked only one Cub in what would become another waxing of an embarrassing team that would allow a grand slam to Miguel Cairo.
See what I mean? Dunn just needs to hang on a little while longer before he hits the lottery. And he will, of course. He has to. It’s impossible for a major leaguer to stink for an entire season the way Dunn has this year, although Alex Rios looks like he also wants in on this unique accomplishment.
But anyway, Dunn has been the worst. The mayor of Stinktown, USA, hasn’t homered for two weeks. He has four hits in that time. He has 20 strikeouts in that time. He’s hitting .186 overall with two fewer homers than itty-bitty Brent Lillibridge.
But that’s where the Cubs come in. Hurry, Cubs, hurry. Because Dunn has killed the Cubs worse than any opponent in his major league career. He has 41 homers against the Cubs, the most against any opponent. He owns a slugging percentage of .598, again his best number against any team. And his on-base-plus-slugging percentage is .991, not only the best of his career against any opponent, but a number so outsized that you can’t read it without laughing out loud, or at least chuckling to yourself.
So, there you go: June 20, 12 days, book it --- that’s when Dunn starts earning his $50-plus millions. That’s when he feels the love of Sox fans, you watch, and doing it against the Cubs would make it exponential.
But wait. There’s more. The Sox go to Wrigley less than two weeks later. More Cubs pitching that’s juicier than a Bison dog (but then, what isn’t? Bison dogs are just horrible. So dry. What are they stuffed with? Unused Cubs tickets?)
Manager Ozzie Guillen has the usual decisions to make when the Sox play in a National League park, but even if it means putting Dunn back in left, I don’t care. I’d play him and sit Juan Pierre. Tell Alexei Ramirez to come out and play the carom. History tells me Dunn outhits his awful defense against the Cubs.
So, Dunn would get three more games with the Cubs. That would be three more odds-on chances to begin the road back to respectability. Three more chances to start hitting well enough for the Sox to trade him back to the National League.