If only baseball could find a way to make money on its attempts to rid the sport of performance-enhancing drugs.
Now, it can. Stevie Sunshine is here to help. I’m a pleaser, not a teaser.
Here’s how: the running of the bulls in the United States.
In case you missed the story, someone named Bradford Scudder is bringing the “Great Bull Run’’ festival from Pamplona, Spain to the U.S. The inaugural human slaughter, uh, run will take place next month in Virginia, and the circuit will include eight other stops before it reaches Hawthorne Race Course in Stickney next July.
It’s the real deal, the real bloody deal, just like you see on television each year. While claiming they will use less aggressive bulls than those let loose in the streets of Pamplona, the promoters say the event will feature the chance that participants will be gored, trampled or tossed in the air.
In other words, perfect for baseball’s drug cheats. Also available for bar-mitzvahs, but that’s not why you called.
I’m not sure this has ever been spitballed in a collective bargaining agreement, but baseball should force every player busted for using PED’s to run with the bulls. Let’s see how much those drugs enhance your performance now, pally.
If you don’t get gored, trampled or tossed in the air by a bull, you get to return to your team. If you get hurt, well, sorry, try a better anti-aging clinic next time.
Baseball could develop a new revenue stream by selling the event on pay-per-view and subscriptions to MLB.com. Baseball is always looking to increase its take, right? Well, here you go.
Tell me you wouldn’t pay to see the emotionally homeless Alex Rodriguez face this test coming off hip surgery.
No vacation from a miserable Brewers team for Ryan Braun when Milwaukee fans still have some disposable income.
Visa or MasterCard?
Would any price point be too high if the event included lumbering Bartolo Colon?
Think of the entertainment. Fans would cheer juicers.
Think of the payday. Baseball could recoup some of the money it spent on PED investigations and PED-powered contracts.
Sure beats watching the All-Star Game.
Here’s the real beauty of my idea: Baseball benefits from something it never wanted to deal with.
Baseball never wanted to look into the PED issue because chicks were digging the long ball. Bud Selig happily embraced baseball’s revival courtesy of cartoonish-sized figures because, well, that’s what an owner’s towel boy does. Don’t ask why. Just explain to your bosses how much money is coming in.
Then Congress called, and Selig and the owners had to fake outrage the way their players had to fake that their accomplishments were clean. Problem is, the cops are always behind the criminals, especially when it comes to PEDs. It will remain that way forever. Baseball will chase the bad guys and won’t get all of them.
Ah, but baseball will catch some of them, and here’s a way to make money off the journey, because the truth is, the destination of a 100 percent clean game won’t be nearly as entertaining. I’m here to help fix that entertainment thing.
I’m here for you, baseball.