It’s official: Phil Emery has hit stupid time.
Mike Singletary has been added to Emery’s list.
Or maybe that was David Letterman’s list.
Trib Bears beat monster Brad Biggs reported Monday night that the Bears Hall-of-Fame linebacker was one of the latest candidates who’ll get a chance to convince the Bears general manager that he should replace Lovie Smith.
The idea is as crazy as Singletary himself, unless Singletary plans to re-enact that legendary pants-dropping episode during his embarrassing reign as head coach of the 49ers. In case you forgot, during his first halftime as San Francisco’s coach, Singletary dropped his pants. All layers. Right there in the middle of the locker room.
Yes. Well. Emery did say he was looking for someone who could command a room.
All the mouthbreathing Bears fans woofed at the news, I’m sure. If you can’t get Da Coach’s mustache, the mouthbreathers figure, then get those eyes.
Yes, those eyes. TV cameras loved those eyes. And remember those were the same eyes that couldn’t figure out how good Vernon Davis was.
"Can’t win with him!"’ Remember that rant? It came after Singletary sent Davis to the locker room without dessert.
I’m sure that Singletary defenders will claim the fired coach made a man out of Davis and made him a tougher players and blah, blah, blah. That’s usually the last, desperate claim made on behalf of a desperately bad coach.
Worse, though, is that Singletary’s lunacy became a national running joke on Letterman. Via split-screen, the talk-show host would interview a Singletary impersonator, who would shout random nonsense at Letterman.
In others, the ersatz Singletary would interrupt Letterman’s questions to shout randomly at passers-by.
Oh, and he would called Letterman "Jim."
It’s a tribute to the brilliance of Letterman’s writers that they could take a laughable real-life Singletary and parody him into a higher level. I mean, Singletary was a big enough joke as it was.
And that brings me to a key distinction from "Da Superfans" of "Saturday Night Live."
"SNL" wasn’t making fun of Dit-Ka or "Da Bearssssssss." No, "SNL" was making fun of aviator-glasses-wearing, dese-dems-and-dose-talking, sibilant-stressing Bears fans, who apparently didn’t realize it then and probably still don’t.
Sane people laughed at the Letterman bit. Same goes for the idea of Singletary coaching the Bears.
But here’s the fear: This has the stench of McCaskey family interference -- McCaskey family or adopted bean-counter son Ted Phillips.
Singletary didn’t get a sniff in past Bears coaching searches, and his embarrassing legacy in San Francisco backed up the wisdom of that decision. But this continues to smell as if McSomeone-or-Other still feels badly about that supposed oversight.
Enough with thinking the ’85 Bears can work miracles, OK? There is no successful coaching tree from Dit-Ka or that team. Not Singletary in San Francisco, not Ron Rivera in Carolina, not even Leslie Frazier after just one good season in Minnesota.
By the way, the ’85 Bears get an awful lot of love for turning three Super Bowl championships into one.
If Singletary’s candidacy in fact is a bone being thrown to the bonehead McCaskeys or the bean-counter in charge, then this coaching search got dumber and must end.
Emery has jumped the Singletary. This is officially moronic. The list is up to, I don’t know, 47 candidates. You can’t get a credibility transplant, so just cut it out. Stop with the names and start with a coach.