There were a lot of bad ones that didn’t make the list (“Zipper,” “Freeheld,” “The Gallows,” “Mistress America,” “In the Heart of the Sea”). These are the worst of the worst (with quotes from the original review; click the titles to read the reviews in full) from No. 15 to No. 1, though don’t worry too much about the order. Horrible is horrible. Email mpais@redeyechicago.com to let me know your picks for the year’s worst.
15. “The 33”
“Both France and Ireland are more than 7,000 miles away from Chile, but apparently it’s nothing a little tan can’t fix. At least, that appears to be the offensive rationale for casting Paris-born actress Juliette Binoche and Dublin’s Gabriel Byrne as locals in “The 33,” based on the true story of the 33 Chilean miners trapped more than 2,300 feet underground for almost 10 weeks in 2010.”
14. “Aloft”
“I’d call ‘Aloft’ a slog, but it’s not that enjoyable.”
13. “Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials”
“End. End. Please end. Come on. Enough. Oh my God, I’m going to have to live in this theater because this freakin’ movie has a running time of infinity.”
“A black hole where fun goes to die.”
“While it’s exciting that my watch learned to talk and yelled ‘Stop looking at me!’ that doesn’t excuse the two-hour incompetence festival that is “The Water Diviner,” Russell Crowe’s feature directorial debut.”
10. “No Escape”
“Exploits a setting that isn’t the U.S. without much regard for anyone else’s life, awkwardly trying to criticize Western intrusions in the Far East while simultaneously justifying the rampage of seemingly inhuman killers and ignoring them entirely, only concerned with the impact on the white people.”
“Quickly goes from fun to offensive.”
8. “Cinderella”
“I’m usually not one to capitalize for emphasis. But the new, live-action ‘Cinderella’ really, really made me mad. Like, seething. Like, I want this entire review to be: WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT?!”
7. “Pan”
“Director Joe Wright’s (“Atonement”) apparent attempt to do a Baz Luhrmann (“The Great Gatsby”) version of several Disney rides at once.”
“As sexy as a rodeo clown and much slower.”
5. “The Intern”
“There’s no doubt in my mind that the blandly peppy, piano-and-strings music relentlessly caressing “The Intern” was improvised by tossing musicians innocuous titles like “Best Friends Order Cheesecake,” “Skipping in the Park” and “Toddler Dance Party.” The real sugary stuff sounds like “Puppy Smiles.” Occasionally things get a little moody and the music turns into “Man Wearing Slippers.” Like a toned-down version of the vamps your phone wakes you up with, this score would be considered too anonymously soothing for a Jack Johnson album.'”
4. “Pixels”
“In a glorious, alternate world where no one has seen an Adam Sandler Movie (ASM)—at least, the recent ones that crystallized the ASM into a smug, hateful up-yours to viewers—citizens would see “Pixels” and hurt themselves trying to determine how this guy got the role. They’d freak out wondering why someone with no comic timing or chemistry with other actors would star in a comedy, where his character so frequently and lazily insults people that his name should be Judgy McDickFace.”
“Likely bumped from its Christmas Day release because it’s a douchebaggery-bedazzled sack of misery.”
“Seemingly made by people who have never seen a superhero movie and starring people unhappy to be in one, “Fantastic Four” is a shocking abomination of an outstretched, moronic, drama-less time-suck that somehow manages to be less fun than “Pixels,” which was only slightly more enjoyable than slamming a door on your face. The new, insultingly boring “F4,” whose existence wasn’t implicitly objectionable due to the unanimously agreed-upon, craptastic corniness of the 2005 version, robs its titular words of all meaning. I may never use that adjective again and will have to skip from three to five for a while.”
1. “Youth”
“One of the most beautiful dumpsters I’ve ever seen, “Youth” has not one honest or wise thing to say about life or work or aging but thinks a glossy package will compensate, ’cause no one’s ever heard of the emperor’s new clothes. I hated this movie so, so, so much.”
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