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In a world where food crises, global governance failure, worldwide political instability, income inequality, the persistent threat of the Islamic State group, mass incarcerations and CBS’ “The Big Bang Theory” exist, a new threat to civilization and liberty has emerged. According to some super-mad Christians, that threat is Starbucks’ new holiday-themed red cups.

Continuing a tradition the company has held since 1997, Starbucks unveiled its latest holiday-themed coffee cups, which have a simple, attractive all-red design. Some grown, voting-aged humans are upset about this, claiming it’s an example of “PC culture” gone amok, and others are saying it’s indicative of “Christian culture cleansing” and somehow not “Christian caffeination.” Some, like self-proclaimed “social media personality” Joshua Feuerstein, who is presumably either a member of the Whiney Diaper Baby First Baptist Church or the Wow, Joey Fatone Really Let Himself Go Adventist Chapel, also did not like the cups. He posted a Facebook video last week highlighting the design change, which you can unfortunately view below.

Feuerstein claims that because it’s a simple, red design, “Starbucks REMOVED CHRISTMAS from their cups because they hate Jesus,” and “Do you realize that Starbucks wanted to take Christ and Christmas off of their brand-new cups? That’s why they’re just plain red.” He notes, “I think in the age of political correctness we become so open-minded our brains have literally fallen out of our head,” therein showcasing a firm grasp of the word “literally.”

Because the Internet is literally a hot garbage pile of metaphorical hot garbage, the clip predictably went viral (more than 12 million views and 150,000 likes as of press time), leading to a #MerryChristmasStarbucks movement, where people order their regular Starbucks drink but say their name is “Merry Christmas.” Whether that may lead to more confused baristas rather than a coherent message has yet to be decided. A #MerryChristmasStarbucks hashtag on Instagram shows quite a few people telling baristas their name is “Merry Christmas,” but because this is Starbucks, where the baristas are known for their notoriously bad spelling, some probably received drinks reading “Mary Christian” or “Marty Crenshaw.”

But let’s forget the jokes for a second and think about this movement. Since Caucasian evangelical Christians are the only possible people who drink and consume coffee (and also the only religion), this is obviously a huge deal, right? But before we pour out our triple-pump, sugar-free iced vanilla lattes with soy milk, start our own “Boston Iced Coffee Party” and scream, “Give Red Cups That Cater To My Own Religion or Give Me Death,” let’s take a look at the facts and ask, “What did Starbucks Christmas Cups look like before they went for a straight red design?”

Well, here’s the answer: They kept it very close to the Bible with some serious textual exegesis with mugs donning reindeer (Rudolph 4:20: “The red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose”) and a snowman (Frosty 17:38: “The snowman was a jolly happy soul, with a corn-cob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made of coal”). Those totally real verses to God’s ears, Starbucks has always been about Jesus, so this is something grown adults should actually be legitimately upset about. When the stores already sell the company’s own “Christmas Blend” and “Advent Calendar,” do the red cups negate all the holiday cheer? Probably.

What does Starbucks—part-time coffee chain and full-time Christmas-ruiner—have to say about the whole thing? “This year’s iconic red Starbucks cup features a two-toned ombré design, with a bright poppy color on top that shades into a darker cranberry below,” reads a news release that may or may not have the headline “Hail Satan, Christmas is Bad Now. Jeffrey Fields, Starbucks vice president of design & content, explained in the release, “In the past, we have told stories with our holiday cups designs. This year we wanted to usher in the holidays with a purity of design that welcomes all of our stories.”

Real grown-up columnist Raheem Kassam, who we can’t stress enough is actually paid real-life money by real-life adults to write his opinion about things at Breitbart.com, responded. “You can see what’s going on here,” he wrote, the electric jolt of a scorching hot take giving him life. “… You mean, you’re trying not to ‘offend’ anyone. Frankly, the only thing that can redeem them from this whitewashing of Christmas is to print Bible verses on their cups next year.”

This controversy just makes us wait for next year, when these easily outraged folks will find out that you can’t spell Santa without Satan or that Kirk Cameron’s movies are actually all terrible. So Starbucks, next year when you decide to go for an aesthetically pleasing all-red cup to hold your Macchiatos and Caramel Frappuccinos, just say that the color is “Blood of Christ Red” so we can avoid something this dumb going forward. Cool? I can only hope for a bright future where doofuses only get outraged about imagined War on Christmases after Thanksgiving.

[H/T my dipshit Facebook friend who I haven’t gotten around to unfollowing yet]

jterry@redeyechicago.com, @joshhterry

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