This dating thing is crazy, you guys. That’s why for Valentine’s Day, potentially the most emotional of all days, RedEye enlisted its fearless Threesome column advisers to help you through it, Five on Five-style. Or at least laugh about it.
This week’s guests: Akeem Lawanson, Sade Carpenter, Jordan Schultz, Keri Wiginton and Morgan Olsen.
What’s the absolute worst place you can take a first date?
Akeem Lawanson: An ice-skating rink. Last thing you want a date seeing is you falling on your ass.
Sade Carpenter: A cemetery. Super creepy, and nothing says “romance” like death and despair.
Jordan Schultz: The Viagra Triangle.
Keri Wiginton: A funeral. Your mom’s house. A networking event. Wrigley Field. A steak restaurant when someone is vegan (true story!).
Morgan Olsen: It’s a tie between your mom’s house and the Hangge-Uppe.
Instead of flowers or candy, give your Valentine …
Akeem Lawanson: … “Deadpool” tickets. You’ve got Ryan Reynolds for the ladies and a superhero film for the fellas. Win-win!
Sade Carpenter: … cash, so she can buy what she really wants.
Jordan Schultz: … doughnuts.
Keri Wiginton: … a new sex toy you can use together. Or literally almost anything else. Don’t be lame.
Morgan Olsen: … cheese.
If you had to take dating advice from a celebrity, who would it be and why?
Akeem Lawanson: Kanye West, because he knows how to paint a picture with his words, like Pablo.
Sade Carpenter: Mariah Carey. She got divorced and engaged again in the time it took me to say “still single.”
Jordan Schultz: Jennifer Lopez, so I’d know what not to do.
Keri Wiginton: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard because they regularly go to couples therapy. Fact.
Morgan Olsen: Beyonce and Jay Z. Because Beyonce and Jay Z.
Worst pickup line you’ve ever heard or used. Go.
Akeem Lawanson: “I like your face.” Never works.
Sade Carpenter: “Your hair is quietly fierce.” (I’m a sucker for hair compliments and secretly loved that line.)
Jordan Schultz: “You look like trash. May I take you out?” (Didn’t use, for the record.)
Keri Wiginton: “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.”
Morgan Olsen: “You seem really bitchy, but I figured I’d give it a shot.” (Yeah, get out of my face.)
If Starbucks can create Valentine’s Day drinks, then other restaurants can …
Akeem Lawanson: … mock them openly for doing such.
Sade Carpenter: … offer tableside serenades, ’90s boy band-style. Boyz II Men reunion, anyone?
Jordan Schultz: … not. Just not.
Keri Wiginton: … not do that. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Morgan Olsen: … at least put pink sprinkles on everything.
Editor’s note: Panelists’ opinions are their own.
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