There’s a good reason ratings are in a free fall for “The Walking Dead.” The showrunners have finally realized they don’t have enough story to fill an entire season, so we’re relegated to these stand-alone episodes focusing on fringe characters we don’t care about. What’s next, an episode about Olivia taking inventory in the pantry? Rick and Co. will likely spend the rest of 2016 lying low until the mid-season finale gives us a reason to care.
“Swear” is yet another detour down Tertiary Character Boulevard as we zero in on Heath (briefly) and Tara. Just like in the previous episode, nothing really changes in the story, making this a significant waste of time.
This season, RedEye will chart the Walking Dead (characters making positive moves), the Stumbling Dead (characters who took a step back) and the Dead Dead (R.I.P.). We’ll also hand out BRAAAAAAAAAAINS to the episode MVP and NO BRAAAAAAAAAAINS to the person who blew it the hardest.
WALKING DEAD
Tara: You almost have to admire the audacity of a television show that asks you to care this much for a background character you haven’t seen in nearly nine months. Until now, Tara has been largely a nonentity. Her defining characteristic seemed to be her same-sex relationship with Dr. Denise. Now, all of a sudden, she’s cracking wise like Bruce Willis in “Die Hard.” Where has this Tara been hiding?
After a bungling zombie misadventure on the bridge with Heath, Tara falls into a river and washes up at the Oceanside Cabin Motor Court. While she’s scoping out that all-female settlement, the locals open fire on Tara. She steals a shotgun from Beatrice, then spares her life. After Tara lies her way through an interview, the women of Oceanside inexplicably offer her the chance to stay with them. She declines, saying she needs to get back to Heath. Rather than accepting the escort back to the bridge, Tara tries to run away. Cindy saves her and helps her get back to the bridge where she last saw Heath. He’s long gone, but Tara makes her way back to Alexandria on foot, picking up some snazzy neon sunglasses and a doctor bobblehead for her girlfriend. Upon arriving, Tara learns (off camera) that Denise is dead. Tara refuses to divulge the existence of the Oceanside tribe, making the entire detour irrelevant (unless she spills the beans down the road, but this is likely a throwaway episode).
Rosita: Along with Michonne and Carl, Rosita is one of the few characters who hasn’t totally lost her spine. She’s still planning to fight Negan, and she interrogates Tara to get information that might help her. Rosita strikes out, but she deserves points for trying.
Heath: Remember Heath? He’s been in five whole episodes prior to this one. Here, he gets something of a showcase episode as he complains about the scavenging mission and the futility of trying to work as a team. It appears he escaped the sand zombies, though he might find it difficult to avoid hazards without his glasses.
Rachel: This savage spitfire brings more personality than Carl, Enid and every other child actor in “Walking Dead” history combined. She enjoys spearing a Walker on the beach, then advocates for killing Tara, even though she’s a living human. The kid pulls a pistol on Tara and almost kills her until Cindy’s intervention. As Tara makes her way out of Oceanside, Rachel spits on the ground, which is a totally awesome thing for a burgeoning warrior princess to do. Yes, she has to suffer the indignity of Tara’s middle finger, but we’d love to see Rachel on the warpath in a future episode.
STUMBLING DEAD
Eugene: He made a real sad face at Tara, presumably using telepathy to inform her that her girlfriend is dead. Has he gotten around to making that bullet for Rosita yet?
Natanya: As the leader of the Oceanside community, we expected more out of her. She allows Tara to lie to her face about her backstory. She bends the rules of her community by offering Tara sanctuary, then bends them further by allowing her to leave. Natanya is such a pushover, she’s lucky she and the remainder of her community escaped The Saviors.
Kathy: As one of the Oceanside guards, she does a terrible job keeping tabs on Tara.
DEAD DEAD
Fish: The Oceanside ladies have an endless supply of seafood by virtue of their location. Fish were eaten early and often in this episode. “The Walking Dead” appears to have lost its willingness to kill off any living humans. Since Glenn and Abraham were executed in the season premiere, only two no-name henchmen have been killed.
BRAAAAAAAAAAINS
Cindy: She seemed to have her own reasons for helping Tara, but at least she was capable of independent thought. Trusting Tara to keep that secret could end up as a fatal mistake, but on a show where so many characters behave arbitrarily, Cindy has a personal moral code that helps her stand out. She’d make a great match for Morgan, if they ever get the chance to meet.
NO BRAAAAAAAAAAINS
Beatrice: This Oceanside warrior let Tara steal her shotgun, then she almost redeemed herself by tricking Tara into saying she worked as a larder on a fishing boat. (That’s a room for storing meat, you fool!) Just when you thought Beatrice was a mastermind, she had to give a soliloquy before shooting Tara, giving Cindy enough time to get the drop on her. Rethink your career path, Beatrice. You’re not cut out for the apocalypse.
The Walking Dead
Season 7, Episode 6
.5 stars (out of 4)
Ben Bowman is a RedEye contributor.
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