Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelorette,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: Five women of RedEye each drafted five or six of the 26 competing men. Everyone gets one point for every man who gets through each week.
Well, it seems like we’ve established JoJo’s type. “Finally, you’re talking about your feelings!” she exclaimed to Jordan. The day before, she chose Chase over Derek after telling him that she felt like she liked him more than he liked her. “I need that validation too.”
Oh, girl. Maybe this pattern isn’t clear to you, but it’s hard to ignore how attractive you find emotional unavailability. Also, abs.
Team One – 11 points
Derek, Chad, Sal, Jake, Brandon, Evan
Welp, that’s it for this team. With fewer guys left competing for JoJo Fletcher’s heart, Derek’s usual strategy of flying under the radar until turning on the smolder during one-on-one time with JoJo was in jeopardy … especially when she chose him to go on a two-on-one date with her and Chase.
Well, you gave it your best shot, man. I personally thought you came out on top in that awkward threeway tango, but for some reason she had to go and pick Chase, who looks like a half-baked Jordan (maybe that’s why). You had a pretty epic sendoff, though. Crying in the backseat of the car as you do your final confessional … while we cut back to shots of JoJo and Chase listening to someone belting out “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” … while you’re being driven out of Buenos Aires? You can’t get much more cheesy weepy than that. See ya, Derek.
—Elise De Los Santos
Team Two – 12 points
Robby, Christian, Will, Daniel, James S.
Has anybody seen Robby? I seem to have lost track of my ONLY REMAINING TEAM MEMBER. The too-pretty-to-be-true romantic flew so far under the radar this week that I almost forgot he was there. I feel like a neglectful mother.
Good thinking trying to bribe the random Argentinian goalie to let you score (and score a kiss), but you still managed to [bleep] that up. C’mon, dude. Do better.
On the plus side, getting his “I love you” out of the way early saved him from being just one of the many who used the phrase “falling for JoJo” this week. Y’all need a thesaurus, seriously.
Despite his shortcomings this episode, Robby somehow managed to snag the first rose at the rose ceremony, so his premature admission of his love for JoJo last week seems to be paying off. The early bird gets the worm, eh? If the preview for next week is any indication, we’re about to get a whole lot more Robby, and I’m SO okay with that.
—Shelbie Bostedt
Team Three – 13 points
Jordan, Chase, James F., Peter, Coley
My two remaining guys made it through another week, which, to be honest, isn’t tough when JoJo is handing out roses like a stranger gives out candy. But we’ll take it. Jordan found himself in a bit of hot water this week when James told JoJo about a card game they played together. I’m still not entirely sure how this moment was a revelation about Jordan’s character, but James boiled it down to this: Jordan is entitled and letting his “celebrity” factor cloud his judgment. (NO SHIT, dude. He’s Aaron Rodgers’ better-looking brother. Can we really blame him?) Of course, JoJo does her due diligence and confronts Jordan about the allegations, but he’s quickly forgiven because he can do no wrong.
Chase nabbed the dreaded two-on-one date and endured the longest, weirdest most anti-climactic three-person tango ever. Later on, JoJo told him he hasn’t given her the validation she needs. With a little poking and prodding, he validates her and scores the rose and a private concert of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.” You nailed it, producers.
To be honest, I’m hoping for a rose drought next week. We could get rid of some baggage before the next stop on the journey.
—Morgan Olsen
Team Four – 16 points
Grant, Luke, Nick S., James Taylor, Vinny
Oh boys–we’re down to the final two (on our team) and you could not be more opposite, which will at least make my job more entertaining.
Luke, you snagged the group date rose with your physical connection (aka abs) to JoJo. You also left her unable to correctly pronounce the word “crazy” and she still can’t figure out words to describe your level of passion (wait, are you sure you like her?). But it was no surprise you were kept around another week.
James, honey, you’re going to need to pull it together. Even though JoJo thinks you have qualities that will make you an amazing life partner, the underdog mindset you’re shoved yourself into is beginning to border on self-loathing and there is no way JoJo has time for that (too busy trying to find a word for passion). Maybe embrace like 2 percent (literally no more) of “The Chad” and do some pullups with your suitcase tied around your waist if you’re sadden by the sight of your abs, otherwise you’re going to be singing a goodbye tune on your way home. Just don’t let it be to the melody of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.”
—Aly Morris
Team Five – 13 points
Wells, Alex, Nick B., Ali, Jonathan
And then there was one. Poor Wells. That has to be the most pressure put on a single kiss outside of a Disney movie. “Don’t forget your Chapstick!” Dude just overthought it all day, wanting it to be a “once in a lifetime kiss.” Mission accomplished! That was the one time you’ll get to kiss JoJo in your life. When a girl starts talking about the great friendship you’ve built, you know it’s time to head home.
So now all I have is Alex. Look, he’s the last member of my team and even I don’t want him around. He’s aggressive, he’s douchey, he seems like he’s constantly trying to prove his hyper-masculinity. That’s enough, Alex. That’s enough.
—Lauren Chval
