Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelor,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: We each drafted seven or eight of the 30 competing women. Everyone gets one point for every woman who gets through each week.
As the Bachelor, Nick Viall is pretty polarizing. The 30 (ugh, why?) women selected to kiss him in helicopters seem pretty psyched about him, but Twitter hates him, your mother-in-law doesn’t trust him and even his little sister basically told him not to be himself. Sounds promising.
Team One – 5 points
Danielle M., Lauren, Danielle L., Rachel, Corinne, Dominique, Ida Marie
Aaaand we’re back! Straight out of the gate, four members of my team were featured, which I thought would be a good sign until I realized Corinne is fucking awful. Sure, you got the first kiss, but at what cost? Now she gets to be the villain for the foreseeable future. Great. Rachel got the first impression rose, which made me irrationally proud but also sad because she is SO too good for vile Viall. We lost two soldiers, but I can’t even mourn them because THEY DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. Farewell, Ida Marie and Lauren. I’m glad to have not known you.
—Shelbie Lynn Bostedt
Team Two – 5 points
Kristina, Angela, Astrid, Susannah, Taylor, Christen, Alexis
Quick and dirty: Taylor seems great but got the record-scratch intro when she told Nick her friends thinks he’s a “piece of shit,” Kristina’s accent got progressively more Russian as the night went on, Astrid spoke some filthy German but Nick caught the word “sex” and Christen seemed like a creepy “Bachelor” superfan (with an actual fan). Upset of the century is that he sent home Angela the model, and I don’t even remember seeing Susannah.
But the real story here is Alexis. I wrote, “Really fucking loves dolphins” in my notes, and that was before she showed up dressed as a dolphin shark and said, “I dolphinately can’t wait to talk to you more.” She got a rose for making Nick smile, but that’s probably a producer pick, all things considered. “The shark thinks she’s a dolphin. That’s a concern.”
—Lauren Chval
Team Three – 6 points
Whitney, Sarah, Briana, Lacey, Hailey, Michelle, Jaimi, Josephine
When the show’s producers decided to devote a little extra time to establishing Josephine as the cat lady who also talks to sea otters, I knew I was in for an interesting season. The extra screentime hinted that the overall last pick in RedEye’s draft was not going to be a one-and-done.
The streak of quirky-bordering-on-crazy continued as most of my team showed up in the weird-gimmick sequence of introductions: Sarah, the “runner-up” who literally ran up to Nick in her evening dress and sneakers; Lacey, the one on the camel because she heard Nick “likes a good hump”; Hailey, the one who wasn’t wearing underwear; and Jaimi, the one with the balls. They all made the cut, though! Even the less memorable but more normal Whitney got a rose, with only Briana and Michelle on my team going home empty-handed.
—Elise De Los Santos
Team Four – 6 points
Liz, Raven, Vanessa, Brittany, Jasmine G., Elizabeth, Jasmine B., Olivia
I’m new to the world of “The Bachelor.” My reality TV experience consists of two hours of “The Bachelorette” and two hours of “Bachelor in Paradise.” I’m hooked and I feel all sorts of dirty about it. I picked my players this season based with absolutely no strategy, and overall I’m pretty pleased with my choices.
Raven is the worst, but I can see why Nick likes her; Brittany put on rubber gloves and asked Nick to bend over, and I don’t know why he gave her a rose; Jasmine G. had a crying meltdown; and Elizabeth got very little airtime, and I wasn’t even sure if she truly existed.
I lost two this episode (farewell, Olivia and Jasmine B.)—I don’t really recall either one getting much airtime anyway. Big meh.
But we need to talk about Liz, the doula. She’s already had sex with Nick. Oooh, plot twist. But shit, girl, this is shady as hell. You had sex with him, didn’t give him your number when he asked for it and then you showed up to compete for his love? What the … he doesn’t owe you anything, and I don’t understand why he gave you a rose! But whatever, I’ll take it.
I’m putting all my eggs in Vanessa’s basket. She’s insanely likable, and even Nick said she’s a “keeper.” But I have a feeling she’s going to have to watch out for Corrine all season.
—Sara Amato