Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelor,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: We each drafted nine of the 28 competing women (the twins count as one person—what? Don’t look at us like that). Everyone gets one point for every woman who gets through each week.
We can see it now: ABC executives gather. “How can we get the American public to watch the coverage of the caucuses?” they ask.
“A targeted social media campaign,” one suggests.
“Celebrity commentators,” another says.
“No,” a lone voice speaks from the back. “No. Put an update before ‘The Bachelor.’ ”
And thus it was. Let’s check in with our teams.
Team One – 17 points
Becca, Jessica, Olivia, Izzy, Samantha, Lace, Jami, Amber, Mandi
I have only watched this season, but I don’t think I’m crazy for thinking this is the most boring episode of “The Bachelor” ever. Or maybe I’m just over the novelty of wasting my Mondays watching reality television? Who knows. What I do know is that no members of my godforsaken team were sent off tonight, so there’s at least another week of this shit. Life is suffering.
Along with Jubilee being sent home, who until this week seemed like this season’s hero, the most horrifying part of this episode was literally all of it. But if I had to pick, it was quite possibly the way Ben Higgins grabbed a champagne glass with his entire fist as if it was a Busch Light can at the TKE house at University of Miami (Ohio). Just kidding. It was Olivia.
The contestants revolted against Olivia, who has gladly (or from pressure by an over-zealous producer) taken on the role of this season’s villain. Emily, the other contestant who decided her occupation was best described as “Twin,” decided to use her one-on-one time with Hellman’s mayonnaise to talk about how terrible Olivia has been in the past few weeks (and let’s face it, if it were Twitter, that “Teen Mom” joke should be kept in the drafts). Ben decided that he needed to get at the bottom of this, which means he’s really got to Google, “How do I know if someone is lying to me?” a lot before the next rose ceremony. I don’t know. Did Becca say a word tonight? I don’t remember. This sucks.
—Josh Terry
Team Two – 19 points
Jennifer, Shushanna, Amanda, Jackie, Tiara, Lauren H., Laura, Jubilee, Breanne
Last night’s episode of “The Bachelor” was almost as exciting as watching someone play Solitaire for two hours. Almost. Ben got things started by storming into the women’s hotel rooms before 4:30 a.m. to observe them “in their element.” Luckily, Amanda has seen a few seasons of “The Bachelor” and slept in a full face of makeup—just in case. Can we take a minute to appreciate Lauren H., her goofy retainer and crazy-ass hair? Girl, I have nothing but respect for you.
Ben’s date with Amanda was fairly unremarkable. She talked about her kids and douche-tastic ex, said the word “like” approximately 5,301 times and got a rose. Let’s fast-forward to the group date with Jubilee and Jennifer (who are you, Jennifer? I don’t know that you ever made it to Bachelor Mansion). While the women learned super-useful Spanish phrases and explored a grocery store, Jubilee hit her limit. Later, when she finally asked Ben if he saw their relationship going anywhere, he said no and sent her packing.
After watching the last shred of realness drive off in a sketchy Mexican cab, it was tough to fully appreciate Lauren H.’s unnatural levels of excitement on her one-on-one date. But hey, she walked away with a rose so I’m not complaining. MVP of the evening goes to Amanda, who practiced incredible self-control by not jumping across the couch and strangling Olivia for her “Teen Mom” comment. Kudos to you, girlfriend.
—Morgan Olsen
Team Three – 24 points
Caila, LB, JoJo, Leah, Lauren B., Lauren R., Rachel, Twins, Maegan
It was another quiet week for Team Three. Caila looked hot, Lauren B. talked about the future, Leah was there. We all have our roles to play.
Except Emily. Beast-mode Emily, now unfettered from her lesser twin, is fighting her way to the top of the screen-time pile. She makes an excellent joke about Ben force-feeding Olivia fresh mint to fight off her dog breath. She’s more aggressive in getting alone time with our Bachelor. And finally, she falls on the grenade that is psycho Olivia.
Look, being the tattletale never works for anyone. In the Bachelor’s eyes, that person is ultimately a snitch. But it does help get the ball rolling on finally getting rid of the girl everyone hates. It’ll kill you, but it’ll kill her too.
Nice job with the waterworks, Emily. You’ve fought valiantly.
—Lauren Chval
