Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelor,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: We each drafted nine of the 28 competing women (the twins count as one person—what? Don’t look at us like that). Everyone gets one point for every woman who gets through each week.
It’s Olivia’s turn to crash and burn. This week, she took up Lace’s mantle of referring to herself in the third person and plowed ahead to crazy town. From the promos, it looked like Olivia was faking a panic attack to get Ben’s attention (a la Kelsey Poe from Chris Soules’ season), but if you did something that mortifying on a Las Vegas stage, you would probably have a legit panic attack too.
Look, it’s week four. You can’t tell a dude you’re falling in love with him in week four! Olivia regularly refers to Ben as her husband and accuses him of cheating on her with other women. Has she never seen “The Bachelor”? Girl is approaching Glenn Close boiling a bunny in “Fatal Attraction” levels of insanity at this point.
Team One – 17 points
Becca, Jessica, Olivia, Izzy, Samantha, Lace, Jami, Amber, Mandi
The realest moment I’ve ever felt like a horrible human being was the time I, for a split second, wished divorce on my super-religious friend who got married and had a dry wedding. (OK, it was more like hoping they’d get diarrhea on their honeymoon. I’m not the worst.) Now, after watching several (four) episodes of “The Bachelor,” I remember what that soul-sucking, morale-crushing feeling was like. After trudging through this episode, I feel relief because my team, with whom I was originally super-confident, is actually kind of close to being eliminated. So close to sweet, sweet goddamn relief. Alas.
Let’s talk about the talent show. Olivia decided to jump out of a cake and walk around, which would be cool had it not been that, but Ben seemed pretty uncomfortable along with the rest of the millions of people watching. Bummer. And then, when she was trying to make up for the fact that it was pretty embarrassing, one of the twins interrupted her one-on-one conversation with Ben. Savage. I don’t know. I’m just writing words because I don’t give a shit. I think this is solid commentary though.
Whoa, let’s also talk about Becca’s one-on-one date with Ben. The whole “let’s officiate sad Vegas weddings” shit was cute, I think. At this point in the competition, Becca seems pretty normal. I know it’s early but she also seems to connect with him on a very real level. This is weird, because she hasn’t had so much as 45 seconds of airtime until this episode, but whatever. She got one of the first roses, which makes sense because their date was somehow charming.
Amber was also there, but like most of the episodes that have aired already, you’d have to check a recap like this one to make sure. Amber, you’re great. Keep pouring Malort shots for dumb Chicago bros in River North bars because, girl, it’s gonna happen soon. You’re the chillest for being on a soul-sucking reality TV show for multiple seasons.
—Josh Terry
Team Two – 19 points
Jennifer, Shushanna, Amanda, Jackie, Tiara, Lauren H., Laura, Jubilee, Breanne
As I write this, I’m actively un-scrunching my face from a combination of stress and awkward feels. There were bad dance moves. And a wedding dress. And creepy puppets. And really fat wiener dogs.
My entire team ended up on the group date, where they were asked to show off their hidden talents (or lack thereof). Amanda hula-hooped, Jennifer hit tennis balls, Lauren H. donned a chicken suit and Jubilee pulled the weight of my entire team with her cello performance. Later on, Lauren H. scored some one-on-one time with Ben and his creepy puppet. I don’t remember anything from their chat except for the first dick joke of the season, brought to you by none other than the kindergarten teacher herself.
To be honest, I was too busy feeling anxious about Olivia’s self-destructive behavior to pay much attention to my team for the remainder of the episode. See you next week, when “The Bachelor” travels to Mexico and inevitably disrespects an entire population. Should be fun!
—Morgan Olsen
Team Three – 24 points
Caila, LB, JoJo, Leah, Lauren B., Lauren R., Rachel, Twins, Maegan
I shouldn’t be so good at drafting women. It’s not a good skill to have. But look at my team—it’s gaining strength every week! It’s become a monster I can’t control.
We did lose Rachel and a twin (Haley) this week, but that was inevitable. Honestly, I thought the twins would be off the show the first or second week, so they’ve pulled their weight and then some.
After seeing their bedrooms and consulting with their mom in Vegas, Ben picked Emily, the twin who was in it to win it as last week’s soccer goalie and uttered the hilarious “Have a good one” when Olivia came to snipe her time with Ben on the group date. She’s a solid choice. I hope she doesn’t crumble in her sister’s absence and start speaking in half-sentences.
What else can I say? Caila and Lauren B. continue to be the total front-runners on this show. Caila has pulled a strong marriage-material move by originally dressing cute and upping her hotness factor a little bit every week. Ben’s confused because he originally thought she was “shy-ish,” but now she’s a “sex panther.” That’s gross, but good work, Caila. That’s why you’re team captain.
JoJo had a date, but it was the most boring white-people date that’s ever happened on this show, and that’s saying something. Blah, blah, blah, something about trust issues in a former relationship. Unless you’ve got cankle insecurities, we’re not interested.
—Lauren Chval
