Dear Anna: My ex and I broke up in January. We were together three years, and I miss him terribly. I’ve been good about not contacting him, but I feel like I’m breaking down. Should I try to get together with him this Valentine’s Day? —Lost
No. Same goes for Feb. 15, 16, 17, 18 and so on. Stay the course, Lost. Call in reinforcements if you need them, so you won’t be tempted to do something you’ll regret. In A.A., they have sponsors, and I think the notion applies just as well to broken hearts. When you feel like you’re “breaking down,” call someone you trust. Sometimes even a few minutes’ distraction can talk us off the ledge or remind us that we are infinitely stronger than we think we are. On the day itself, do something nice for you—spa day? Winter hike? Get out of town and go somewhere that you’ve never been? Be silly and grandiose and enjoy the lostness, Lost. As Rebecca Solnit wrote in her beautiful book “A Field Guide to Getting Lost,” “Never to get lost is not to live, not to know how to get lost brings you to destruction, and somewhere in the terra incognita in between lies a life of discovery.” You are not breaking down, you are breaking open. You are emerging into a wild new self, a state of being that is both you and wholly un-you. Keep going.
Dear Anna: I am not what you’d call a romantic kind of guy, but my girlfriend (of one and a half years) has asked me to “step up my game.” I figured Valentine’s Day was as good a time as any, right? Do you have any tips for—Clueless Casanovas?
Do I ever! First, let’s do away with silly categories like romantic or non-romantic. You don’t have to don pantaloons and serenade her with a nightly lute show to be “romantic.” All romance really is, is an intentional act that shows her you care. We tend to think of romance as something grand—a getaway, a blood diamond, a star named after your beloved—but really it can be as small as a gesture, a shoulder rub when you notice she’s tense, a quote or poem that reminds you of her, a scrap of paper that says “I love you” or “Thinking of you” placed somewhere she’ll find it. (You would be amazed how effective this one tiny effort can be.)
My mother likes to tell the story of the most romantic thing my step-dad ever did for her: He bought her M&Ms from a hospital vending machine when her father was recovering from a heart attack. It wasn’t the waxy chocolate that melted her heart (and not in her hand), it was the thoughtfulness. I encourage you to think in these terms, CC. You may not be a flowers-and-chocolates kind of guy, but you have the benefit of knowing your girlfriend (of one and a half years) better than most. How would you like to show your sincerity? What gesture or activity would make you feel closer to each other, more connected? Has she been stressed out lately? Do something relaxing and unwinding. Have you hit a relationship plateau? Do something weird that neither of you has ever done before, like a sensory deprivation float or a trapeze class or finally playing the batting cages at Sluggers.
Last V-Day, I took my girlfriend on a “tour of us,” where we visited our early dates and places where we fell in love. It was great fun and it was personal and it didn’t even cost that much. You’re welcome to steal that idea. And if you’re short on words, borrow from the masters: Rainer Maria Rilke, Frida Kahlo, Adrienne Rich, Pablo Neruda, etc.
Good luck, CC. The Casanova was always in you. All you have to do now is let him out.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email redeyedating@gmail.com. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.
