Dear Anna,
I just started dating a guy I really like. The problem is we had sex for the first time recently and it was … not good. I’m talking shockingly little foreplay, zero attention paid to ANY erogenous zones (not even my boobs!), and he was in and out in less than five minutes. We had both been drinking quite a lot, but talk about a major letdown. Do I give him another chance or do I let him down now in turn and end it?—Bummertown
Dear Bummertown,
You know what they say, “Screw me once poorly, shame on you. Screw me twice poorly, shame on warped societal expectations, too much porn and a fifth of tequila.” OK fine, nobody says that. The problem may have been first-time jitters or the booze, but my guess is your dude’s behavior is a by-product of bad habits, little to no feedback from former partners or lots of lazy hookups in which not much was required of him or asked.
I suppose in your case, what you do will depend largely on how much you “really like” this guy. Sex gets better (typically) the more we get to know and trust a person, the more we learn what they like, and, most importantly, the more we (kindly) correct each other in bed. Is it worth it to you to find out if this guy is capable of learning how to please you in the sack and vice versa? If so, then by all means, give it a whirl.
Also, you don’t say how old you both are, but if this guy’s in his 30s or older, I’m inclined to tell you to find someone else to get your rocks off with. If he hasn’t learned by this point that foreplay is essential and boobs are nice to touch and that sex should last longer than it takes to heat up a Hot Pocket, then, well, he may be beyond help.
If you do give him another shot, the onus is on you to make sure you have a better experience. That means don’t be passive. We tend to place all the responsibility on men when it comes to instigating and directing the flow of sex, but I’m holding you responsible this time. Take the lead. Speak up! Tell him what you like—at least one thing. Put his hands on your tits, for God’s sake. Slow him down by telling him you like to be teased. And don’t be wasted. It may lower your inhibitions, but it also lowers everything else too, including your potential enjoyment.
I don’t have a question at this time, just want to say how much I look forward to your column every Friday, and wonder if it will be lost because of the Thursday-only edition beginning next [week]. I sure hope not! —J
Dear J,
Fret not! The column will still be happening, just on Thursdays, starting Feb. 9. Thanks for reading, and do stay tuned.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Want to ask Anna an anonymous question about love, sex or dating? Email your quandary to redeyedating@gmail.com.
