“Jersey Shore” really is bringing the cliffhangers this season.
The latest episode started off with the gang’s sugar daddy, Danny, barging into the shore house and alerting them that part of the deal to stay there involves them pimping racist booty shorts at his Shore Store. And now that Vin has “died,” and Situation left in a huff (to meet a strange guy for a little NSA fun, I’m guessing), they need to be replaced.
This gets everyone’s hangovers in a bunch, because they don’t waaaaaant a new woom mate—”pout faces.” Soon, the Situation returns and the roommates are back to seven, but with Vinny gone, they’re going to need to make sure a stranger doesn’t come in.
Meanwhile, Team Meatballs plans a big surprise birthday party for Pauly D. and Situation. They meet up at Karma to appropriately hang Over the Hill decorations everywhere and meet with a nice gentleman by the name of Wizard of Ass, who is the “stripper pimp,” according to Sammi.
All in a days’ work, ladies.
Snooki only has one question for Wizard Ass: “Do you bang [the strippers]?” and Wizard Ass responds by pleading the fifth. C’mon, Snooki, the man is at work—sooo inappropriate.
At the Shore Store, JWoww’s plastic surgery face is about to melt because Danny has posted a Help Wanted sign outside the store, and people are starting to inquire.
The Meatballs are at the party supply store to pick up balloons, but not before putting on bunny costumes and doing a Jersey Turnpike or two for the road.
That night, unbeknownst to Pauly D. and Situation, the surprise party is about to commence. The gang arrives at Karma to find silly string and bad clothes everywhere. I can only imagine the permeating stench of Axe Body spray filling that room. Situation’s DL bestie, The Unit, is there, and soon, the birthday boys are being handcuffed to wheelchairs.
Surprise! Strippers pop out of cakes and do dirty things for the two. Naturally, stripper is DTF, and she accompanies Situation home to do birthday sex.
The next night, it’s couples night at Bamboo. Everyone has a date—even Deena. All the usual suspects are there, including Mrs. Situation herself, Paula.
G-Yanni and Snooki run to the smush room to do sex before the group leaves. But, they end up falling asleep and missing out on the fun. The other couples head out to Bamboo, and the night is cut short, almost immediately, because Sammi Sweetheart gets into a fight with some grenade at the bar.
The scene shows Sammi Sweetheart’s “best legs in Jersey” wrapped around the girl she was fighting as she was getting her weave yanked out of her head, and let’s face it, that was probably the most exciting thing she’s done and will do all season.
The gang heads back to the shore house, and Deena is preparing to do sex with her date, but her dang alarm clock keeps going off. Can’t poor Deena get a break? Situation and Paula cuddle up affectionately, looking like a perfect couple and everyone dozes off as the sun comes up.
The next day, everyone’s in a horrible funk because Vinny is gone. Earlier in the episode, Ronnie was crying because he missed his friend. Pauly couldn’t fully enjoy his birthday hook-up because his domestic life partner wasn’t sleeping in the same room. And Deena and Sammi had made nagging phone calls to Vinny begging him to return.
That’s when Pauly breaks. “I can’t take it anymore,” he says. So the gang decides to head to Staten Island to kidnap Vinny. They pull up and ambush the house, and head upstairs to Vinny’s room to hug and kiss him.
Vin has a mile-wide grin on his face, and agrees to go with them back to the shore. But not before showing off his new tattoo on his chest. “Let Go, Let God” the tat advises, but in order for us to see that, Vin had to gratuitously show us his hot little bod in the process. God bless Italian-Americans.
The crew heads back to Jersey, Vinny in tow, happy as a bunch of clams.
