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Jessica’s ‘Jersey Shore’ recap: High anxiety for Vinny

The buzzword from Episode 2 of “Jersey Shore 5” was definitely “anxiety.” And no, not because I was having an anxiety attack (from watching the show), but because our favorite Staten Island guido, Vinny, was.

Thursday’s episode started off with the gang heading to Aztec, where Situation ran into Paula, a DTF who first appeared on the show during Season 1 when she was unconsciously having sex with Situation.

Cut to the next day, Jenni, Sammi and Vin are scheduled to work at the Shore Store, making T-shirts with offensive remarks about Italian Americans on them.

Vinny, who was scheduled to work, got in late. He just couldn’t get out of bed. Boss Danny decides to take Vin aside to ask him the deal. Apparently, Vin has been keeping a secret from us for the past four seasons: he suffers from clinical anxiety.

This is about when I just wanted to throw myself on the floor and take a big ‘ol nap. We don’t watch this show to talk about “issues.” I want to see them get drunk and fight! And, while I’m on my high horse—I can’t believe anxiety is the first issue this show is tackling. Forget domestic violence, binge drinking and promiscuity, right?

Everyone seems concerned about Vin, especially Pauly D., who is so worried that he gets sunburnt while completing the T portion of GTL. He got burned, exfoliated, and then he burnt it again. In short he burnt his “whole face off.” Good thing it didn’t stop him from heading out to Karma that night.

A dolled up Snooki, G-Yanni, J-Woww (who vows to go extra hard that night), depressed Vinny, Ron and Sam, Situation, Deena and Deena’s moustache head to Karma. Deena immediately runs into an old flame, Damian, who she begins making out with before her first Jersey Turnpike of the night. However, Deena has vowed not to do sex with anyone until she has a boyfriend.

Pauly D starts talking to a DTF named Shantel, who he brings home to the smush room, which is essentially a dirty mattress on the floor—exactly what a dirty brothel looks like. Whilst trying to call her a cab at 4 a.m., we see hidden camera footage of Shantel taking Pauly’s favorite gold and diamond chain and sticking it in the crotch of her cutoffs.

Later that day, Pauly is tearing up the house looking for his favorite chain necklace. A few minutes later, Shantel shows up at the door wearing the chain to return it. (I’m guessing producers called her.)

Ronnie then takes Vinny, who is still experiencing high anxiety, down to the boardwalk to get his mind off his “problems.” Really, people? You’re telling me nobody in that house has a Xanax or a joint? This is just not adding up!

Vin confides to Ronnie that he’s beyond a point of being cheered up, and isn’t into drinking, because it will make things worse. At that point, I’m guessing producers were helping him pack because they know this train can’t travel without copious amounts of alcohol.

Everyone gets concerned about Vin wanting to leave, but nobody can get through to him, not even his domestic life partner, Pauly D.

Soon, Vin is calling his sister on the duck phone to tell her to pick him up and Pauly is packing Vin’s stone-washed jeans into a suitcase. Before we know it, Vin leaves the Shore house without saying goodbye to anybody.

Zzzzzz.