I’m in a triad relationship and a situation keeps coming up where my partners and I are all at a social thing, and somebody asks one of us how we all know each other. For most of us, this is followed by an awkward pause as we try to figure out what that person’s relationship is to whoever of us they know and whether we should just say that or not. What are some ways to talk about it and not have it be awkward or a conversation stopper?—To Have Really Every Excitement
Dear THREE,
It seems like the awkwardness is coming from the fact that you don’t yet have a solid game plan for what to say when this situation comes up.
Instead of fumbling in the moment, think about how you want to be introduced to the following: strangers, acquaintances, friends, co-workers and family. These are just general groups you’re likely to interact with—feel free to get jiggy with it, as no one has said since 1997.
For instance, if one person introduces you as a friend and you then call him your partner and your third says she’s your slutty little sex puppet, this will make for some perplexing small talk (or the most interesting game of charades ever played).
Much of this discussion will, of course, hinge on your level of out-ness and comfort. At a poly munch you could easily introduce yourselves as a triad, but at a Ladies Knitting Circle at the Elks Lodge, using the word “triad” would likely prompt confused questions as to when your triathlon will be taking place.
An easy way to dodge the “How do you know each other?” inquiry if you don’t feel like going into the intricacies of your relationship is to say something along the lines of, “We met through mutual friends.” (Or however it was you actually met. This question doesn’t need to have a romantic context if you don’t want it to.)
If remaining mum feels disingenuous to your triad, you can say, “We’re dating,” and leave it at that. You don’t have to launch into a primer on poly relationship models or demonstrate your mastery of the Eiffel Tower sex position. Monogamous people also date multiple people at the same time and it’s simply called “dating,” so why reinvent the wheel?
Telling a stranger you’re dating two people at once (who are in this room!) may spark follow-up questions, impromptu renditions of the “Three’s Company” theme song or even high-fives, depending on the stranger’s prior knowledge of polyamorous configurations, nosiness level and general propensity for high-fives.
Because triads are “outside the norm,” as it were, being more open about your relationships may lead to annoying personal questions you don’t want to answer or explain, for instance, “How do three of you sleep comfortably in one bed?!” On the other hand, your mere existence and willingness to talk about alternative relationship models does help educate people on the subject, which is good for humanity. On the third hand, it’s not your responsibility to help humanity understand threeway relationships, so don’t, like, feel beholden.
But whatever you do decide to say, OWN IT. Don’t look around all shifty-eyed and muttering. Say your piece with conviction and brevity. Resist the urge to needlessly explain yourself—this’ll ease some of the awkwardness. Give it a tri, as no one has said ever (but should!).
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email redeyedating@gmail.com. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.
