Welcome to “Threesome.” Each week, we’ll take a look at a relationship question from the public and have three panelists give their insights. Have a question to ask? Shoot it over to us on Twitter at @redeyechicago or on our Facebook page. If it’s a little more private, feel free to email it to redeye@redeyechicago.com with the word “Threesome” in the subject line.
QUESTION:
The 26-year-old woman I’m seeing gets occasionally hung up on my promiscuous past. How can I help her see that it doesn’t invalidate our present?
—A 28-year-old man’s question summarized from Reddit
THREE ANSWERS:
Fred
Host of “Fred and Angi in the Morning” on 103.5 KISS-FM | Single, 34
Don’t all fine meals require preparation and seasoning? Wouldn’t a great author tell you his eventual style was developed over time and with experience? A successful investor will likely say she utilized knowledge generated from the very beginning of her career to develop her sharpened business acumen and “gut.” Do you think Ron Jeremy’s first film was as enthralling as his most recent?
OK, that last one was too close to home (and I really can’t validate that statement), but one can see where I am going here! While I personally don’t think a conversation about ones’ sexual history is ever going to yield a positive result, I do believe that we are likely to say we would make different choices now as a result of events in our past.
You didn’t know your current girlfriend then, but you are with her now (and I’m assuming/hoping healthy and faithful), and that should be paramount. Oh, and maybe you have learned a thing or two along the way for which she is now really pleased? I probably wouldn’t say that final thought to her face, but just think it, OK?
—Fred | @fredonair
EXTRA: Advice for the ‘Horrible Person’ who’s fallen in love with a married man
Keri Wiginton
Photo editor and part-time advice giver at the Chicago Tribune | Married, 33
An “experienced” (and now married) female friend of mine poignantly told me “your dating history shapes who you look for in the future. It helps you know what you’re NOT looking for more than anything. And if you’re a competent human being, you’ll not only learn from your past mistakes but you’ll make better choices in the future.” That better choice is your current girlfriend.
I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 23, and I started dating my husband, who is five years older than me, at 24. Needless to say, he was way more experienced when we got together. I never looked at that as a bad thing. So, if you practiced safe sex, then each of your previous partners made you into the guy your girlfriend likes today. And as long as you’re not comparing her to any of them, then I’d say that’s a positive for her.
The fact that you are choosing her says something. Frankly, if you still wanted to bang other ladies, you could. Maybe don’t put it that way, though. Unless you have a history of cheating, or have a ton of STDs, then your past shouldn’t be anything for her to worry about.
—Keri | @keriphoto
Akeem Lawanson
Online producer and Snapchat aficionado at RedEye | In a relationship, 29
The best thing you can do in a situation like this is be open and honest with her, which it seems you have been by sharing with her your past indiscretions. Her feelings come from a place of insecurity, maybe due to something she experienced in a previous relationship.
What you need to do is talk to her about her previous relationships and try to understand why she seems to dwell on your promiscuous past. You need to reaffirm to her that you are not that person anymore, and be open about why you were promiscuous in the first place.
Maybe you felt unsatisfied? Maybe you were looking for love in all the wrong places? Maybe you were just being a young dude who wanted to “try different flavors”? Truth and honestly go a long way with assuring others that you are the person you say you are.
—Akeem | @geekheavy
