You don’t live in Los Angeles. Or New York City. You have no affiliation whatsoever with the television industry. To be completely honest, you work at a mid-level advertising firm in Chicago.
But Sunday night? Comedy to your 241 Twitter followers—while decked out in sweatpants and an oversized T-shirt on your Ikea couch—was your game. Boy oh boy were your #Emmys tweets so effin’ hilarious.
I mean, you definitely thought so.
When you’re not spending half the workday at your office on Google Chat, you’re a part-time officer of the fashion police. So naturally, coverage of the red carpet is your Christmas morning.
Can you even believe what [insert literally any actor or actress who you’ve never met and never will] was wearing last night? Like, what was their stylist thinking? Didn’t they, like, look in a mirror or whatever? They said “I’m wearing a custom designer gown” when in actuality it looked like they were “the victim of their son’s last finger-painting project.”
I mean, after all: You’re the expert here. Your closet—filled with Merona and Xhilaration clothing from the clearance racks at Target—would really set the tone and turn some heads at the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards.
Why wouldn’t you voice your opinions on Beau Bridges’ shoes?
This idea of keeping something to yourself? Nah. Every. Thing. Must. Be. Projectile. Word. Vomited. To. The. World.
Your weaving of unoriginal references about Andy Samberg’s bad teeth mixed with trace amounts of lazy satire throughout the rest of the night couldn’t have nailed it more.
I mean, you’re definitely the first person to pose the idea that Taylor Schilling’s acting chops resemble that of a bowl of pasta and that the second season of “Silicon Valley” was more uneventful than a Jay Cutler third-down attempt.
You dream of a life of being paid to tweet the witty 140-character thoughts that pop into your brain throughout the day. But you have no clips. No references. And, ya know, you haven’t actually applied anywhere.
But, oh man, if you did? You would totally, like, do such a great job and stuff. Like, how are you not already verified on Twitter?
All in all, you #killedit. You gained 11 followers—just six of whom were spam robots—and only violated a handful of copyright laws from stealing photos from Getty Images via Google Images.
And the award for Biggest #Troll of the Night goes to … you.
Sean Ely is RedEye’s video editor, a local comedian and founder of “The Social Media Pessimist” web series. Check out his videos at YouTube.com/SocialMediaPessimist.
