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Commitment issues ‘n’ chill: How do I stop flaking on my relationships?

I’m a 23-year-old male who has recently found out I have commitment issues. I always start to like a girl and then do everything in my power to get to her and then after we’ve dated for a month or so, I completely lose interest and get out of the relationship. I have no idea why I do this or how to work on it. —Question via Reddit, edited for length

THREE ANSWERS

Jake Newton

RedEye designer | In a relationship | 24 | @jnewt

Don’t be a dong, dude. You’ve got to realize that by starting these relationships and then abruptly ending them, you’re really screwing with the emotions of these ladies. It’s just not fair to the other person involved. If you ONLY enjoy the chase, maybe you need to understand yourself a bit more before pursuing another relationship. What makes you enjoy the race, but not the reward? What scares you about being involved with someone? What’s so terrible about dating someone? You get the point—this is a you problem. Take some time off and reassess. As it is, you have become an emotional serial killer, and you need to knock it off. I’m completely sympathetic to the “fight is better than the reward” sentiment—trust me, I’m someone who enjoyed building card houses as a child—but you need to realize that relationships aren’t games. You’re going to have to grow up: Playtime is over.

Isaac Paul

Host, devil’s advocate and resident know-it-all of “The Tequila Tales” | In a relationship | 36 | @thetequilatales

First I’ll state the obvious, many 23-year-olds aren’t known for their “stick-to-it-ness.” However, the main thing you must decide is if you are truly into the women you are dating. Lack of commitment is often an indication that there is some important need or desire that isn’t being met inside your interaction.

If you are in fact dating women you desire to have stronger relations with, I suggest you intentionally lengthen the courtship process by slowing it down. People are less likely to withdraw from something they’ve invested in. Slowing your courtship allows you to develop stronger feelings that will maintain your interest. So start by doubling or even tripling the number of dates you typically have before reaching pivotal moments (like intimacy) that trigger your “commitment issues.” If this doesn’t work, you may be dating women who don’t challenge you enough. So aim higher.

Shelbie Bostedt

Digital Content Coordinator for RedEye | Single | 22 | @shelbielbostedt

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, it could help you to think about where this fear of commitment may have come from. Are your parents divorced? Did you have a messy relationship previously? Having “commitment issues” isn’t something you just “find out” about yourself with no cause or reason. There’s also the likelihood that these women you’re dating just aren’t the right person for you. Once you get to know a woman more, you may realize you aren’t as compatible for a whole host of reasons, the least of which may be your perceived fear of commitment. Before you jump into your next month-long relationship, be sure that’s really what you want before you pull the “commitment issues” douchebag line and break a girl’s heart.

Thanks for reading “Threesome.” Each week, we take a look at a relationship question from the public and have three panelists give their insights. Have a question to ask? Shoot it over to us on Twitter at @redeyechicago or on our Facebook page. If it’s a little more private, feel free to email it to redeye@redeyechicago.com with the word “Threesome” in the subject line.