Now that the Cubs are finally in the World Series, it might seem inevitable that they’re going to end their even more infamous drought and win the whole thing.
Even if they come up short, this Cubs season deserves the Hollywood treatment. Here’s how we’d cast it.
Matt Damon as Theo Epstein
Hey, if Brad Pitt could play Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane in “Moneyball,” surely one of his ubiquitous leading-man buddies can step in as the Cubs president of baseball operations.
Robert De Niro as Joe Maddon
We already know one of the greatest actors of all time can rock a pair of spectacles like Maddon does. Just to be clear, we’re thinking more laid-back De Niro as opposed to super-intense De Niro. Think more “Meet the Parents” and less “Raging Bull.”
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Anthony Rizzo
He’s not as tall as Rizzo (5-foot-9 vs. 6-foot-3), but he rode a bike all over New York City in “Premium Rush” and had to be in shape for roles like the one he had in “The Dark Knight Rises.” He’ll have to work on his bro-hugs as well, for all the scenes with Kris Bryant.
Rick Gonzalez as Javier Baez
He’s already got baseball (“The Rookie”) and basketball (“Coach Carter”) movies under his belt, so playing the Cubs phenom should be a piece of cake. Though it might be wise to have Baez do his own stunts, as there really isn’t anyone in baseball or Hollywood who can do what he does on the field. No offense to Rick.
Jaden Smith as Addison Russell
Smith would be one of the few actors on this list playing someone older than he his, but it’s kind of a wash because Russell looks like he’s a teenager anyway (he’s actually 22, FYI). More important, he already played a kung fu expert, so learning to make the long throw to first should be simple, right?
Liam Hemsworth as Kris Bryant
Hemsworth’s got the look, the height and the build to star as the 2015 NL Rookie of the Year and the would-be 2016 NL Most Valuable Player. He should just start wearing Express clothes and watch for any slips into that Australian accent.
Jason Statham as David Ross
Just as Statham is scary good at beating up bad guys on screen, opposing base runners are terrified to try to steal on Grandpa Rossy (or at least they should be). This casting will drive that point home. And can you picure Jason Statham ominously tellling a Cubs opponent, “Go ahead. Call me ‘Grandpa Rossy’ one more time. See what happens”? Chilling.
Edgar Ramirez as Miguel Montero
The Venezuelan actor’s star is rising rapidly; you’ve recently seen him in “Hands of Stone” with Robert De Niro and “The Girl on the Train” with Emily Blunt. We’d love to see how he handles the role of the Cubs’ no-nonsense catcher.
Wilmer Valderrama as Willson Contreras
While Valderrama will forever be linked to naive ladies’ man Fez from “That ’70s Show,” he’s got a lot more range than that. Valderrama will need a lot of animation for this role, as anyone who has seen Contreras after he smacks a clutch extra-base hit can attest.
Michael B. Jordan as Dexter Fowler
Jordan might actually have to slim down a bit from the super-cut physique he displayed in “Creed.” Or not. Fowler might be totally cool with his film alter ego having those kinds of muscles.
Lamorne Morris as Jason Heyward
The Chicago native is more of a basketball fan, but surely the “New Girl” star can draw on the experiences of his home city to play a convincing Heyward. And Morris can just forget the hitting part altogether and concentrate on catching fly balls.
Jake Johnson as Ben Zobrist
Yep, another “New Girl” star. Don’t expect any apologies for it. We know Johnson would crush this role in part because the Evanston native is a HUGE Cubs fan. He also can grow a beard similar to Zobrist’s, though the makeup team would have to dye it red.
Laz Alonso as Jorge Soler
Even if you can’t place him, you’ve seen the actor in a lot more than you might think (“Avatar,” “Entourage” and “Southland” are among his many credits). He would have no trouble convincing audiences that he could hit mammoth home runs.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar as Jake Arrieta
The “Saved by the Bell” alum is convincing as a major-league catcher on Fox’s “Pitch.” That combined with the fact that his beard on the latter show makes him and Arrieta look like twins makes this choice a home run.
Will Sasso as Jon Lester
Not just because Sasso is bald like Lester. OK, that’s part of it. But although Lester might seem like he’s in his serious shell all the time, he knows how to loosen up. In other words, he’d need to be played by someone who looks as comfortable with a karaoke mic in his hand as he does with a baseball.
Miles Teller as Kyle Hendricks
Hendricks is the Cubs playoff starting pitcher who flies under the radar. You’re not going to get anything fancy from him, he’s just going to get you out. Teller, meanwhile, doesn’t seem like he would be a Hollywood powerhouse, though his performances suggest otherwise (“Fantastic Four” notwithstanding).
Andrew Lincoln as John Lackey
You need someone pretty intense to step into Lackey’s cleats, and anyone who has seen Lincoln as Rick on the “The Walking Dead” understands that no one would mess with him when he’s on the mound.
The llama from the Bank of America commercials as the goat
That’s if the film even needs a goat, and we’re not saying it does. We’re just saying, if there were to be one, the llama is hilarious and would be better than any actual goat in the movie. Sorry not sorry.
Bill Murray as himself
Because no substitute would be accepted, and it would give him another reason to wear his “I ain’t afraid of no goat” shirt. He’s the top choice for any narration needed in the movie as well.
@redeyesportschi | chsosa@redeyechicago.com
