Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelor,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: We each drafted nine of the 28 competing women (the twins count as one person—what? Don’t look at us like that). Everyone gets one point for every woman who gets through each week.
What a week! Hot tubs, fat toes, cankles, secret massages and a faint whisper of racism. Oh, did you not catch that? Lauren H., precious kindergarten teacher that she is, slipped under our “bitch” radar due to the insane actions of Olivia and Lace, but she was the ringleader of women declaring Jubilee is not “Ben’s type.” She points out that Ben will want a wife who can get along with the other soccer moms and set up play dates, and Jubilee couldn’t possibly do that. So, are you saying Ben’s type is suburban-boring or that Ben’s type is white?
And RIP Lace, you delicate butterfly. So proud of you for leaving to “work on yourself,” and we fully expect that you’ll miraculously get it together in time to be on “Bachelor in Paradise.”
Team One – 15 points
Becca, Jessica, Olivia, Izzy, Samantha, Lace, Jami, Amber, Mandi
Taking over Josh’s team for a week reinforces why “pinch-coaching” doesn’t exist, as I’m pretty much rooting for all of my players to lose. OK, not all of them, but the personalities of “I swear I’m not crazy; allow me to clarify this 4,000 times like any non-crazy person would” Lace and “I’m so determined to mark my territory that, who knows, I might just pee on Ben” Olivia are so strong that it’s easy to forget anyone else is on the roster.
Surprisingly, though, this was the week in which all members of this ragtag group of people who have no chance of winning got roughly equal screen time, not including Becca, who sat around, did/said nothing and snagged a rose anyway. In fact, this episode presented the question of “What does someone have to do to get kicked off?” as Olivia followed Ben’s announcement about the death of two people close to his family by taking him aside and uttering those comforting words he really needed to hear in that situation: She hates her legs. How that wasn’t enough to send her packing, I don’t know.
Wait, yes I do. It’s probably because fan anti-favorite Lace sent herself home, simultaneously claiming that she needs to work on herself but also that the connection just wasn’t there, not recognizing that maybe one of those things influenced the other. That means that Olivia, the series’ other breakout star in the sense that being obnoxious makes you a star, of course had to stick around. Jami, meanwhile, never made any impression at all, and Amber, who scored the winning goal in a soccer game that at last provided one twin (star goalie Emily) an opportunity to do something the other didn’t, attacked Jubilee mid-cry, which might have doomed her had she not already scored a rose.
This team is terrible. Back to you, Josh.
—Matt Pais
Team Two – 15 points
Jennifer, Shushanna, Amanda, Jackie, Tiara, Lauren H., Laura, Jubilee, Breanne
MVP of the week—and possibly the entire season—goes to Jubilee, who proved she has approximately zero and a half effs to give about typical drama that engulfs “The Bachelor” mansion. On her one-on-one date with Ben, Jubes admitted she prefers hot dogs to caviar, talked about her family tragedy and opened up about survivor guilt. The realness that wafted off that date makes up for half of the BS that happened last night.
Though Jubilee got a rose on her date, she couldn’t help but comfort Ben after he told the women he lost two family friends in a plane accident. In a shocking turn of events, cankle fears aren’t the best way to express sympathy. As Jubilee worked on Ben’s back, Amber and Co. stewed about the idea of someone with a rose getting more one-on-one time with the Bachelor. Oh, Amber, isn’t this your second time around?
This all lead to my favorite line of the night, courtesy of Jubilee as she’s being ambushed by Amber: “I don’t know what you guys have going on, but I don’t want any part of it.”
Thank you, Jubilee, for restoring my faith in “The Bachelor” and mankind. Though I lost Shushanna to the rose ceremony last night, I’m confident Jubes will carry this team to the finish line. Meanwhile, I’m not certain I’ll make it to next week.
—Morgan Olsen
Team Three – 19 points
Caila, LB, JoJo, Leah, Lauren B., Lauren R., Rachel, Twins, Maegan
Once again, I have almost nothing interesting to contribute to this recap. None of my girls went home, and none of them seem to have conditions that should be diagnosed by a licensed psychiatrist. Seriously, what kind of world are we living in where 22-year-olds professionally listed as “twins” seem saner than almost everyone else on this ridiculous show?
So yeah, Caila and Lauren B. seem to be heavy front-runners in it for the long haul, and thank God one of the twins (beast mode Emily) established an individual identity this week.
Lauren had a cute one-on-one date, although I was slightly put off by the awkward kissing in the airplane (I don’t care how much romantic music you play, ABC—that looked like terrible mouth-to-mouth) and their inability to stop talking about their dads over dinner.
I’m falling asleep over here, Team Three. Can you at least stir up some half-assed drama? Olivia is going to fake a panic attack next week—up your game!
—Lauren Chval
