Welcome to RedEye’s coverage of “The Bachelor,” arguably the most misogynistic show on television! The format is pretty simple: We each drafted nine of the 28 competing women (the twins count as one person—what? Don’t look at us like that). Everyone gets one point for every woman who gets through each week.
Ah, the first episode. Full of corny pickup lines, awkward stutters and drunken observations that hit a little too close to home. Knowing names isn’t necessary yet, so everyone is boiled down to her essence: cool ginger, flower head, morals girl, etc.
And Lace. That’s a name you remember.
Of course, we can’t ignore Ben Higgins, our Indiana-grown, basketball-loving, totally unlovable Bachelor. Seriously, what’s with the unlovable thing? He mentioned it one time to Kaitlyn Bristowe on the last season of “The Bachelorette” and now it’s his thing. It’s like the producers sat him down and said, “So your angle for this season is a deep fear of being unlovable. Unlovable. Don’t forget it. You’re unlovable.”
So which lucky lady is on her way to adding to Ben’s baggage?
Team One – 7 points
Becca, Jessica, Olivia, Izzy, Samantha, Lace, Jami, Amber, Mandi
Right when I was asked to join RedEye’s second inaugural “The Bachelor Fantasy Draft,” I instantly felt a wave a crushing, existential regret. Not in the “I just signed up for a reality television program where I’m pitted against 27 other women for the affection of one man all to be broadcast on ABC for everyone to see” sense but in the “holy shit, I wanted to write about important, beautiful culture for a living but here I am watching ‘The Bachelor,’ a show I have never seen, now spending my Mondays watching two (!!!) hours of this trash every week until it ends” sense. So if this is something I’m going to commit to, I’m going to have to go all in.
This season’s bachelor, Ben Higgins, Miracle Whip slathered onto a slice of Wonder Bread, seems like a charming enough dude. He’s woefully earnest, with enough aww-shucks appeal for an Ohio-based software sales rep to make any mom tell their daughter, “Why doesn’t Ben come around anymore? He was such a nice boy.” My favorite moment of the night and general window into Higgins’ noggin was when he literally said near the beginning of the episode, “The idea that these women got in a limo to come here is impressive to me.” With that, you know his standards are already pretty high.
When we started the draft, which is right as the morally questionable insanity of literally drafting women finally hit me, I only had the online contestant bios to go off of. I avoided the twins (too risky) and the girl who hated gluten (ugh) and thought Maegan and chicken-enthusiast Tiara would be out of there faster than you can say, “yeehaw.” I had no idea both Becca (my first round pick because she seemed chill—mentioned gas twice in her bio along with Netflix and Wi-Fi) and Amber, a Chicago bartender (!) who seemed like a major steal in the eighth round, were alums. I had no idea Becca made it to the final round last go around. I prefer serial dramas like Amazon’s “Transparent,” Sundance TV’s “Rectify” and HBO’s “The Leftovers.” Lyrical meditations on family, identity and depression this ain’t.
Anyway, I don’t know exactly how this works but I didn’t think Becca and Amber coming back would bode well for my chances. That said, my newfound fears about the veterans went unfounded. Even my last pick Mandi, a dentist from Portland who I chose at the very end because her bio revealed she has “a tendency to drink too much” but would’ve picked last anyway because homegirl actually FLOSSED HIS TEETH during first impressions, made it to the next round. Did I mention she flossed his teeth and made it? There is nothing short of saying “Tim Allen is my favorite actor” that would freak me out more on a date.
If I were to guess from the start who would be sure bets, it would be lawyer Samantha, Jessica (not sure why anymore), sweet Canadian Jami and Izzy (who I picked because she said in her bio, “Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages or 50 Shades of Grey” and later showed up to the mansion in PJs). Like love itself, ABC’s “The Bachelor” must not follow any rhyme or reason. It just is. That said, even with the drama hinted during the season preview, I’m feeling pretty good about picking Olivia third.
But yeah, let’s talk about Lace. I knew she would add a little zest to this season when she talked about leaving a floater in the toilet in her bio, but I had no idea it would be like this. We’ve all been nervous on first dates (thank God mine have never been televised) and had one too many glasses of white zin. However, Lace is Megan Draper as portrayed by Satan. She’s absolutely ruthless, and because this is reality television controlled by producers looking for ratings, she’s going to stay a while. We’ve all had those nights, but judging by the promos for this season, it’s only going to get worse (poor Leah).
However, what does it say about Ben that a girl wearing pajamas (with the cute “onesie” pun) would be too weird, but Lace, rose-head Mandi and the girl who wore the unicorn mask would make it through? I guess I’m just bitter about Izzy. What a time to be alive though. I need to take a shower and think about my career choices. I don’t know if I’m ready for a whole season of this. I feel really bad about this whole thing.
—Josh Terry
Team Two – 6 points
Jennifer, Shushanna, Amanda, Jackie, Tiara, Lauren H., Laura, Jubilee, Breanne
It’s true: I did draft “chicken enthusiast” Tiara, Red Velvet Laura and gluten-basher Breanne. And with one-third of my team eliminated, I’m really starting to doubt my personal and professional judgment. Still, the show must go on, and my other players made some solid strides this week. Sushanna skated by without a lick of English, Amanda made being a mom look fun, Jennifer cracked a “Ben and Jen” joke (they’re divorced, you know), Jubilee referenced every military pun in the book and Jackie proved that printing a wedding invitation for your first date isn’t a red flag.
While my sleeper-heavy team didn’t provide any great—and by great, I mean terrible—material for the interwebs, I’m not sweating it. They didn’t go too hard on the white wine or bring mini-horses to the mansion. Shoutout to Huey! My ladies stayed under the radar, which typically bodes well for future episodes.
If the season preview is to be trusted, my girls (especially Jubiliee) will get some quality one-on-one time with Ben soon enough. On a personal note, this is my first year watching “The Bachelor” without TiVo, which is an extremely painful experience. I could feel those two hours draining slowly from my body last night. This is all a long way of saying that I might be a terrible, cranky, miserable person to be around on Monday nights. You’ve been warned.
—Morgan Olsen
Team Three – 7 points
Caila, LB, JoJo, Leah, Lauren B., Lauren R., Rachel, Twins, Maegan
There are four Laurens on this season and I managed to draft three of them. That wasn’t a strategy (or a fondness for my own name), but maybe it should have been. Mathematically, the odds are pretty high that Ben chooses a Lauren. I should get a probability specialist on this.
But my first pick went to Caila, who I stand by because she’s the perfect normal-crazy one-two punch. She looks so normal (She’s a brunette!), but then she tells us in her intro that she left her boyfriend of over a year because she got butterflies while watching Ben on “The Bachelorette.” Red flag! This girl is actually insane. She’s perfect.
Let’s be real, my hopes rest entirely with Caila and Lauren B., who got that coveted “first one out of the limo” placement. Everyone else is a mess. JoJo arrived with a unicorn mask on her head, Leah did that AWFUL football intro, Rachel is unemployed and rolled up on a hoverboard like a 13-year-old boy and then we have the twins. Are they trying to both marry him Mormon style? I just don’t get their strategy here. Excerpt from my notes: “Twins—they talk in unison. I’m out.”
And farewell to Maegan (weirdo horse girl) and Lauren R., who reminded us of the incontrovertible truth that telling guys you have stalked them on social media is not a good way to get them to like you.
—Lauren Chval
