I’m 18. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for four months. I go down on him, but he hasn’t gone down on me because I’m nervous about it. What if he hates it? What if I hate it? What if he thinks I smell or take too long or get bored? I don’t know that I can get over my fears around this, but I don’t want to miss out forever. Am I?
—Missing Out
Dear MO,
Yes. Oral sex is great.
Not every girl enjoys it, but it’s definitely worth finding out if you do, because it’s just about the best use of a tongue in the history of ever. Chewing food? Who needs it!
But first! Know that your fears and nervousness are totally valid. Women are told constantly that something is wrong with their bodies (or that EVERYTHING is wrong with their bodies). Our tits aren’t big enough, our bellies not flat enough, our thighs too thunderous, our asses not Kardashian enough. We’re too hairy, too short, too tall, our eyebrows aren’t shaped like the precise curvature of the earth, our bushes are too bushy.
Is your vagina not shaped like a clam that’s afraid of itself? Better drop several grand on some vaginoplasty to “correct” it, no matter if it destroys the sexy nerve endings that give you pleasure in the first place. Hell, even the NAME for our genitals, pudenda, comes from the Latin word meaning “shame.”
No wonder you’re nervous. How could you not be? On top of that, there’s performance anxiety: Does his jaw hurt? Is it taking too long? Does anyone need a refreshing beverage?
How do we ignore all this crap getting in the way of our pleasure?
In my experience, what helps women feel comfortable around oral sex is having a partner they trust who is invested in their sexual enjoyment and is happy, excited even, to tell them how awesome it is to be going down on them. Does your dude want to go down on you? You didn’t say in your letter, but I hope he does, because that’s a start.
Like all sex acts, a little trial and error is to be expected when you’re discovering what you want and don’t want. So think about what might make you feel more comfortable. Maybe it’s turning the lights off, maybe it’s showering beforehand so you feel squeaky clean, maybe it’s setting a timer for 20 minutes so you don’t feel like it has to go on and on endlessly.
Think of it as a game, where the goal is to simply enjoy yourself, and that’s it. Don’t worry about orgasms or the wet spot or what the Spice Girls are up to these days. If you do find yourself stuck in your head—which is very common—tell yourself (nicely!) to switch gears and focus on the physical sensations instead. In the past, it has helped me to actually describe (in my head) what is happening, as if I were narrating a movie. Now she’s raking her nails down my thighs, now she’s biting my lip. And so on.
Remember also that nobody’s genitals smell like a pine forest or a Cinnabon. When people like each other, they often like each other’s body smells, too. Because of things like pheromones and desire and familiarity. So even if you don’t like your smell, chances are that your boyfriend probably does.
Good luck!
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email redeyedating@gmail.com. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.
