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How can I find sex toys that fit me well without spending lots of money? They’re expensive and not exactly returnable.
—Don’t Toy With Me

Ask the store clerks for their recommendations, DTWM. They’re there for a reason, and it’s not just to quietly judge you for renting “Big Trouble in Little Vagina” again. Early to Bed (5044 N. Clark St.) is great because they are super knowledgeable and friendly, and their dildos have cute names like “Bandit” and “Billie,” which makes it feel innocuous, like buying a gerbil, before gerbils became inextricably linked with fetish sex, at least. (Thanks, Richard Gere!)

Most sex toys also have user reviews online. So if you’re still unsure about a particular toy after getting personal recs from sex-toy clerks, the internet will tell you WAY TOO MUCH about it. Often they are hilarious, like these reviews of a 55-gallon keg of lube on Amazon. At the end of the day, though, you can never be 100-percent sure a toy will rock your world. Because, life! Always a gamble.

DO TESTOSTERONE AKA “T” SHOTS HELP AN OLD MAN’S LIBIDo?
—sam

Oh sam. It’s as if your question itself were pumped full of testosterone until that last somber letter, when you quietly, yet bravely, admitted defeat.

Low testosterone is a common problem in men over 40. Some estimates say 1 in 4 men over 30 suffer from low T levels; others put it more conservatively at 4 in 10. The average 40+ male loses one percent of his testosterone per year.

Also called andropause, some of the symptoms of low testosterone include lack of energy, depression, decreased work and sports performance, falling asleep after dinner, muscle loss, weak erections, low libido and listening to Suze Orman on tape. And with the usual caveat that I’m not a doctor and you should consult your doctor, T shots are one option to combat low testosterone. But just because said shots are available doesn’t mean you should automatically reach for the needle.

National Institutes of Health studies have found that testosterone treatments can improve sexual function in older men, but that it also comes with increased risk of heart attack, stroke and death. So while you may feel more virile, you may also keel over and die. But you very well might die from a number of other things as well, because, life! Always a gamble.

Another study by the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that men with too much testosterone were more likely to drink, smoke, fight and injure themselves, possibly while drinking, smoking and fighting.

There are, of course, natural ways to boost one’s testosterone, and they include the tiresome prescription of moderate exercise, protein, healthy fats and green, leafy vegetables. But who has time for such things when happiness is just a rubber-strap away?

I’m kidding. But seriously, talk to your doctor. The balls are in your court, sam.

Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email redeyedating@gmail.com. Or let her send you overly personal emails here.