Today, Oct. 7, is the day an idiotic sect of apocalypse-minded Christians (this time, the Philadelphia-based online group eBible Fellowship) has predicted the world is going to end.
*Spoiler alert* The world has not ended and it won’t anytime tonight. In a couple weeks, the group, who has a pretty bad grasp of math, common sense and even the Bible, will say, “Wait, there was a smudge on our Bibles. The end of the world is back on for next week!”
The apocalypse won’t happen then either, but let’s imagine what would happen if it did. What would happen to Chicago? Because I’m trying to distract myself from Cubs-game nerves, I have answers.
No more Malört
For a thing Chicagoans put in their bodies, Malört ranks somewhere between “alcoholic poison ivy” and “come on people, it’s not the worst thing ever.” In my mind, though, after the second shot it’s pretty delicious. But if earth is engulfed in flames by some divine wrath, maybe heathens can find this devilishly bitter local spirit in hell.
Navy Pier would be even more of an apocalyptic abyss than it already is
Navy Pier is kind of the worst, even if you have a nostalgic love for its now-scrapped Ferris Wheel. I’d be totally cool with not having this tourist trap, apocalypse or not. But with a bigger and by default probably more terrifying wheel on the way and the God-Bless-America option of maybe being able to drink alcohol outside on the pier, maybe the place might become a fun spot for locals.
Nothing would happen with the George Lucas Museum
If there’s one positive to the end of the world, it’d be no more of the already endless seeming debate about the upcoming George Lucas Museum. Sure we all love the “Star Wars” movies, but man is that building design kind of ugly or what? And what about the Soldier Field parking lots? Lord, strike us down so we don’t have to read about it ad nauseum.
The Cubs would forever be in the postseason
If the world were to end today, I’d be so pissed. After work, I’m high-tailing it to my favorite bar so I can watch Jake Arrieta pitch a make-or-break game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. I haven’t felt so optimistic about our World Series chances since 2003, so if the apocalypse does happen, God truly hates the Cubs.
We’d be exempt from the “Cloud Tax”
Fire and brimstone, bring it on! At least we won’t have to pay a few extra cents each month on the Netflix accounts we’re already stealing anyway.
Gentrification debates would be over
In the apocalypse, there aren’t artisanal coffee roasteries replacing your favorite mom and pop shop. Instead, there’s nothing, only blackness. 606 Bloomingdale Trail? More like 666 Highway To Hell.
jterry@redeyechicago.com, @joshhterry
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