I got some basic approach problems. I’m a white guy, and somewhat Hispanic-looking, in my 20s. I’ve lived all over Chicago, from the North Side, South Side and West Side. In Hispanic neighborhoods, I get mistaken for a Hispanic person. I find that white women are real cowards compared with Hispanic girls. … When I hand out pamphlets to people (and before they even know what it is), white women about 90 percent of the time give the cold shoulder and reject, whereas it’s the opposite with Hispanic women. I feel like if I were to approach white women, I would have to dress like a dork and put a pair of glasses on. When I look at the “women4men” missed connections on Craigslist, almost all the white women describe themselves as wearing glasses with short hair looking for redheaded, bearded guys, dressed geekily, so those are hipster women looking for hipster guys. So my question is, where are all the white women who are attracted to shirtless, masculine “Bruce Wayne” type of guys, and not some dorky guy with a guitar? If I had to answer my own question, I would say Little Italy, like Taylor Street. Thanks. —Approach Problems
Dear AP,
You don’t have “approach” problems. You have “warped assumptions and perceptions about women and race, plus blaming other people for your problems” problems.
I don’t even know where to begin unpacking this question, or how you’ve managed to develop these bizarre theories, and why you think anyone, regardless of race, enjoys receiving random pamphlets from strangers.
NO ONE enjoys that.
It doesn’t “say” anything about these women, except that they are not receptive to a stranger trying to give them a pamphlet they do not want.
You’ve taken a strange and small sample of random interactions with women—the Craigslist missed connections do not even count, because no one should ever use CL as a litmus test for the world at large—and told yourself a story about women acting a “certain” way, which is, I guess a rejection of you somehow? It’s not really clear how any of this applies to your love life.
But I am truly wondering: How do these theories serve you in any way? And more to the point, do you even like women? Because in one short paragraph you’ve done nothing but disparage, mock and insult them.
Just throwing out a wild guess here, but have you considered that maybe your thinly veiled misogyny is the reason you’re not having much luck with women, white or otherwise?
Stop looking at the world like it (and women in general) owe you something. No one owes you anything. They don’t owe you their time or their politeness.
Recognize and own the shit you’re putting out to the world and tell yourself a better story. If a woman isn’t interested in talking to you, don’t ask yourself what’s wrong with HER, ask yourself how YOU could change your attitude and your approach to ensure a different outcome next time. Perhaps going up to her shirtless was too aggressive. Perhaps she was late for a meeting, which is why she kept walking, and next time you should talk to someone sitting down. A thousand tiny factors make up why a person might decide to talk to you or not talk to you. Stop making excuses and start making changes to your own behavior.
If you do nothing else, let go of the “woe-is-me, all women are this way” story. Let go of the judgments and assumptions that are keeping you from genuinely connecting with women and instead work at being the kind of man that women want to know. The kind who sees a woman as a whole person, with divergent needs and unique tastes, a person who does not want your pamphlet, but might be interested in learning more about you, if you let her see the sides of you worth knowing.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email redeyedating@gmail.com. Or let her send you overly personal emailshere.
