I met a man on Skout. We’ve been hanging pretty tough over the last three months. I really enjoy his company. We definitely have chemistry in bed, but, that’s the rub—we have had intercourse only three times and that was in June, much to my chagrin and dismay. At first, he said he wanted to build our relationship without the distraction of sex. After July, and then going into August, I’m like “Don’t you want me? I want you? Are you making love to someone else?” We spend so much time together after work that I really don’t think it’s possible that he’s doing something else. Now it’s September and we still have not come together to make love. We spend nights together, but no sex. I’m starting to wonder if he’s just not into me as much as I’m into him. I even wonder if the thought of sex with me has him disgusted or something? I’m attractive and in good shape. But I don’t feel as if he desires me. I just don’t buy this let’s-get-to-know-each-other-better line. Am I being rejected and can’t see the writing on the wall? It hurts my heart every time this guy says no. I feel like I’m begging for his affection.—Sexless in Chicago
Dear SIC,
Three months is awful early to be in a not-exactly-agreed-upon sexless situation.
It’s also awful early to be “begging for his affection” and to have your heart “hurting” over it.
It sounds like it might be a case of having mismatched libidos—with his being much lower than yours—but it’s difficult to say without some candid conversations with him about it.
Sit him down and (gently) ask him what’s the deal. Be vulnerable. Tell him how you feel about the current state of your sex life. Tell him what you told me in your letter. (Except don’t accuse him of screwing around unless you have compelling evidence to support it, which you do not.) Then ask him your questions: Is he not that interested in sex? Is he not interested in certain KINDS of sex, a la P-in-V intercourse, but maybe would be down for other things? Is it a trust issue? An attraction issue? An age issue? A medical one? Ask him about past relationships and if this has been an issue for him with others. Tell him what you’d like to see happen and change.
Depending on his answers, you can come up with a game plan. Though honestly, unless the non-sex chemistry is earth-shatteringly fantastic, I don’t know why you’d invest in a relationship with someone who is already making you feel crappy after so short a time.
Generally these problems do not get BETTER over time—ask any married person. Or any couple with mismatched sex drives.
Sex is important to you and being desired is important to you and it’s not crazy to ask the person you’re dating to attempt to satisfy those needs.
Is he up for trying? Or at least having an honest conversation about it? The “Let’s get to know each other better” line isn’t working anymore—indeed, it’s actively hurting your feelings.
If his answers and honesty are compelling to you, give him a chance to straighten up and screw right (a month maybe?), and if he doesn’t, find yourself another fellow who will throw you a bone, literally and metaphorically.
Anna Pulley is a RedEye contributor. Got a question of your own? Email redeyedating@gmail.com. Or let her send you overly personal emailshere.
