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I am an older woman who has been divorced seven years. I have dated several men in the past few years and have not met anyone interested in a long-term relationship. It’s almost like they are eternal teenagers. It makes me wonder if it’s true that “opposites attract.” I have always gone out with men who call me first. I’m thinking that’s a mistake, since the guys attracted to me turn out to be a little nutty. Should I start taking the initiative when I meet someone who seems nice? It makes me nervous to even think about it, but I’m wasting time with these bozos.
—Send in the Clowns

Dear SITC,

Yes, gurl! You should absolutely write to men you like. It’s 2016. Run the world! Lean in! Lena Dunham! If a woman can be our Democratic nominee (and soon president), then by gum, you can ask a stranger out for queso dip.

You’re not alone in being fearful to make the first move, however. According to a recent report from OkCupid, “Most women—regardless of sexual orientation—do not send the first message, with straight woman 3.5 times less likely to compared to straight men.”

(Gonna let that “regardless of sexual orientation” aside slide, because contrary to popular belief, lesbians exist, and not just in porn. But back to your dilemma.)

Why should you write first? OkCupid found that women who write to men first are 2.5 times as likely to get a response AND are also more likely to scores dates with men who are more attractive. How much more? “[A]bout 7 percentile points ?more attractive? than you.” Whatever that even means. Hopefully their next report will be about the creepy algorithm robots judging our attractiveness.

Regardless, men tend to enjoy it when women write to them. It flips the traditional gender script. Keep it short and sweet (a few sentences should do it) and remember that if they don’t write back, you’ve lost nothing. But you’ve gained a tiny amount of confidence from stepping out of your comfort zone and trying.

The first message will be scary, but the more you do it, the easier it’ll become. Don’t think too much about it or agonize or endlessly refresh your browser to see if he wrote back. Just send it and go about your day. Because you have a life that involves more than winks and clowns.

If you need a template for what to say, a very general guide is: Choose an element in his profile that is interesting or exciting to you, comment upon it and ask a question.

“You like to hike? Me too. Have you ever been to SOME AMAZING HIKING PLACE? I’ve always wanted to go.”

Good luck, SITC. Now quit clowning around and get writing.