Having already brought texture and intelligence to true stories of Americans saving the planet from an asteroid (“Armageddon”) and evil robots (“Transformers”), Michael Bay now turns his subtle hand to the fictional tale of six ex-military security officers holding down the fort against attackers in Libya in 2012.
Wait, I have that backward. But you knew that already, just like everyone knows what they’re getting when they sit down for a movie directed by Bay. But since it’s not like the long-focused-on-round-female-body-parts filmmaker can show some Benghazi bikini pool party, and since “13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi” is a purely routine war movie, let’s literally break down what’s included by the numbers:
Former “Office” stars converted into brawny action heroes: 2 (John Krasinski as ex-Navy SEAL Jack Silva; David “Pam’s ex-fiance Roy” Denman as ex-Marine Dave “Boon” Benton)
Lines beginning with “Welcome to”: 3 (to Benghazi; to Club Med; to McDonald’s)
Lines Krasinski seemingly didn’t want to say/couldn’t pull off: 3
Jim Halpert-esque frustrated looks: 1
Gratuitous shots of now-muscular Krasinski shirtless: 1
Low-angle shots so we worship the soldiers: Infinity
Uses of slow motion: 3, I think
Jack conversing via Skype with his wife and perky-cute daughters: 2
Discussions appreciating former Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi’s all-female, allegedly busty security team: 1
Times I thought about “Black Hawk Down,” “Zero Dark Thirty,” “Argo” and “American Sniper”: A lot
Subtitles used so we can understand what any non-Americans are saying: 0
And, really, there are about zero times when it’s clear why things are happening the way they’re happening to these particular people. If there’s anything Bay—who adapts the material to fit him instead of the other way around—knows how to depict, it’s chaotic action, and “13 Hours” has quick-cut momentum to spare. But it doesn’t know where to stop and focus; it’s too busy pummeling along with a score that makes it seem like executive music producer Hans Zimmer (he of the now-legendary “Inception” pounding) got a great deal on drummers and thus wanted to give them the most to do. Meanwhile, the film creates larger-than-life heroes/devoted family men who only occasionally seem like real people.
There’s a sense that standard operating procedure and poor leadership cause dangerous situations, but Bay doesn’t know how to let pesky details like “insight” and “information” coexist with the noise.
1.5 stars (out of four)
Selected quote: “I need a bag full of money and a flight to Benghazi.”
Also: “You can’t put a price on being able to live with yourself.”
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