When buddies go missing in action

I promised myself that I'd never use this space to call individuals out, but I never found it necessary until now.

A buddy of mine who lives in another city is one of the best human beings I've ever had the privilege to know.

I've always thought of him as a good friend whom I'd always be able to reach out and touch even when geographically separated.

Sometime last summer he met his then-future wife. The closer they got, the harder it was to get him on the phone. Instant messages didn't get answered, texts weren't responded to and telephone conversations were very few and far between.

The couple got married overseas early last month, and now he's just ... gone. My friend seemingly cut off his substantial friend base here in Chicago, including friends even closer to him than I am.

A mutual friend of ours and I were complaining about how we can't even send our wedding gifts because he won't respond to our requests for his new address.

We've speculated on what the issue may be, and came up with a few indisputable facts: He's alive and well, he's flatly disregarding us, and I have no doubt this change is related to his marriage.

Such sweeping, drastic changes in communication are what some people fear may happen with their friend and family member once they enter a relationship. It's also what everyone promises won't happen once they get in one.

Spouses and partners taking precedence over friends, associates and relatives is part of the relationship and is expected. But when longtime friends get shut out it's a problem that I believe can be nailed down to one of three things:

>> Your spouse/partner has become everything you ever needed in life. As mushy and "Jerry Maguire"-ish as it sounds, this is not healthy. What happens if that person leaves your life? Will you just shrivel up and die?

Plus, imagine the pressure on your partner! No one person should be anyone's entire universe.

>> Your partner has convinced you that your friends and family don't belong. If one feels threatened by their partners' disapproving friends, they take pains to shut them out altogether.

This is one of a litany of issues involving an effort to maintain power and control in a relationship, an issue of possible emotional domestic abuse that is applicable for both men and women.

>> You are working overtime to please your partner. Some people get so caught up in being in an amazing, dazzling relationship that they end up working in overdrive to maintain it, at the expense of taking attention away from existing relationships.

In the best situations, victims of the above three circumstances often come to their senses, break up or get divorces, and work to repair the damage to the friends and loved ones in their lives.

But you see those people—old, gray and worn down—who get forever lost in the emotional decay. These are the folks who are simultaneously unhappy and comfortable in their marriages.

Put me out of my misery if I ever get there.

I don't know which of the above three incidents—if any—has claimed my friend. I can only speculate.

But if he's reading this—and you know who you are—consider it an open letter: We don't know exactly why you've fallen off the face of the earth, but we love you and care that you've become a ghost.