Losing at the Oscars kind of sucks, but at least the snubbed get a robotic hair transplant as a consolation prize.
Yep, that's just one bizzare item in the gift bag that will be presented to losers of the best actor/actress, best supporting actor/actress and best director categories, curated by Los Angeles-based marketing firm Distinctive Assets.
Previously, the loser bags have been given to Ron Howard, Meryl Streep and Hugh Jackman, and this year, the "everybody wins" basket is valued at more than $80,000. As a press release notes, Distinctive Assets has no affiliation with the Academy Awards themselves, but it apparently isn't going to stop them from giving the overstuffed bags to disappointed nominees.
Here's what's inside. Products listed next to bullets, commentary in parenthesis.
Chocolates from Chicago-based Chocolatines. (For sadness.)
10,000 Halo natural pet food meal donations made to the losers pet charity of choice. (They'll probably forget to do this.)
Hydroxycut protein shakes, bars and gummies. (To offset the chocolates.)
Swiss-made Slow Watches (Who needs to know the actual time? It's Hollywood.)
Betty Jane candies (Need more Hydroxycut.)
Skincare products from Acure Organics (Crap for your face.)
Jan Lewis bracelets and ties (Will be repurposed as a gift for the housekeepers or nannies, probably.)
Cannonball wine (Drink your feelings.)
A wearable camera by Narrative Clip (Worse than Google Glass.)
Polar Loop activity tracker (To alert the Paparazzi.)
Bee Free Honee organic apple honey (LOL)
Blossom Blends "bespoke" teas (A Google search for what "bespoke" teas are was not fruitful. A query to RedEye's resident foodies Lisa Arnett and Kate Bernot defined "bespoke" anything as a pretentious way of saying "custom.")