Oscar

Florists decorate a statue of Oscar in front of the entrance to the Dolby Theatre in preparation one day before the 85th Academy Awards. (Joe Klamar/AFP/Getty Images / February 23, 2013)

Losing at the Oscars kind of sucks, but at least the snubbed get a robotic hair transplant as a consolation prize. 

Yep, that's just one bizzare item in the gift bag that will be presented to losers of the best actor/actress, best supporting actor/actress and best director categories, curated by Los Angeles-based marketing firm Distinctive Assets. 

Previously, the loser bags have been given to Ron Howard, Meryl Streep and Hugh Jackman, and this year, the "everybody wins" basket is valued at more than $80,000. As a press release notes, Distinctive Assets has no affiliation with the Academy Awards themselves, but it apparently isn't going to stop them from giving the overstuffed bags to disappointed nominees. 

Here's what's inside. Products listed next to bullets, commentary in parenthesis. 

  • Chocolates from Chicago-based Chocolatines. (For sadness.) 
  • 10,000 Halo natural pet food meal donations made to the losers pet charity of choice. (They'll probably forget to do this.)
  • Hydroxycut protein shakes, bars and gummies. (To offset the chocolates.)
  • Swiss-made Slow Watches (Who needs to know the actual time? It's Hollywood.)
  • Betty Jane candies (Need more Hydroxycut.)
  • Skincare products from Acure Organics (Crap for your face.)
  • Jan Lewis bracelets and ties (Will be repurposed as a gift for the housekeepers or nannies, probably.)
  • Cannonball wine (Drink your feelings.)
  • A wearable camera by Narrative Clip (Worse than Google Glass.)
  • Polar Loop activity tracker (To alert the Paparazzi.)
  • Bee Free Honee organic apple honey (LOL)
  • Blossom Blends "bespoke" teas (A Google search for what "bespoke" teas are was not fruitful. A query to RedEye's resident foodies Lisa Arnett and Kate Bernot defined "bespoke" anything as a pretentious way of saying "custom.") 
  • Mace pepper spray gun (To keep away the aforementioned alerted paparazzi.)
  • Fine art from Gizara Arts (Another housekeeper gift.)
  • Jitseu Handbags (To carry tiny dogs.)
  • The LOADED book series (Amazon says it's from the author of "The Slap.") 
  • Steamist Total Sense home spa system (Someone's masseuse is out of the job, now.) 
  • Aviv 613 luxury vodka (Luxury flask worthy.) 
  • Wrag Wrap luxury sustainable gift wrap. (WHAT?)
  • Dosha Pops (From their site, it's a lollipop that is designed to balance your doshic energy) 
  • VETVIK "The Covert" leather iPhone case (Very discreet.)
  • HISY wireless camera shutter remote for iPhones (selfie)
  • Mane'n Tail haircare products and Conceived by Nature styling stuff (horse shampoo) 
  • The Green Garmento Gargantote and dry cleaning bag (It's literally a sustainable laundry basket.) 
  • Le Petit Cirque aerial lessons (Someone is going to get hurt.) 
  • Epic Pet Health electrolyte therapy (THESE ARE THE END TIMES.)
  • M3K Beauty products for "exceptionally vibrant skin." (Better than moderately vibrant, really.) 
  • DrainWig (There was no description of this. Maybe it's better that way? Oh, it's seriously JUST A DRAIN PLUG.) 
  • Acupuncture sessions with Heather Lounsbury (Nickname "The Needler.) 
  • Personal training sessions at Huntley Drive Fitness (Another personal trainer to the stars bites the dust.) 
  • Rouge Maple "best maple syrup you've ever tasted" (Aunt Jemima wants a word, Rouge.) 
  • Slimware portion-control plates (Ya feelin' fat yet, Hollywood?)
  • Coolway "no damage" Go Pro blow dryer ($139.90.)
  • Simon's Happy Pet Shampoo (THE LOCUSTS ARE APPROACHING.) 
  • Wonder Glow Organic Lipgloss from Makeup Studio by Diane Capt (Made from real dirt, probably.) 
  • Knit & Co. cable knit mittens (One of the only practical things in this list.) 
  • Krystal Klear Water whole house water filtration system. (Now that your pet is hydrated, drink some water!)
  • The O-Shot procedure by Dr. Charles Runels (Okay, so regretfully this was looked up. It's also called the "Orgasm Shot" and, short answer, it's sort of like a stem-cell shot in the vagina that claims to make sex better.)
  • ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant System performed by Dr. William Yates (Who himself is not a robot.) 
  • Max Martin luxury American-made shoes (USA! USA!)
  • Vacation packages to the Canadian Rockies, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Mexico and Japan. (Remember, these people LOST the Oscar.) 

 Congratulations, those to whom the Oscars will not go.

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