OPINION

Talk like an adult, already!

Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian. Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images (Astrid Stawiarz / Getty Images / May 15, 2014)

Like a cougar wearing a too-short skirt, once you hit a certain age, it’s time to stop using “hip” language. And if you’re like me, that time has long since arrived. I’m not suggesting you start using “swell” or referring to your pants as “slacks,” but I am suggesting an ABC list of words to eliminate from everyday conversation to avoid looking like you’re hanging on to your glory days.

 

Amazeballs: If you want to say it’s great, just say great.

Bestie: This word makes me picture a sticky little girl in a playpen launching Cheerios at my face. Your best friend is probably cooler than that.

Creeper: At this age, I can only hope to still get eyeballed, even if they’re uncomfortable starers. I shall refer to the leerer, instead, as “kind sir.”

Dude: I love this word but it needs to go because it makes me sound unbelievably stupid.

Epic: It probably wasn’t.

For Realz: There should be an overall rule that if you’re replacing an “s” with a “z,”you’re too old to be saying it. Furthermore, if you’re trying to make an adjective plural, you need to go back to school.

Gag me: Hmm. I may be the only person still using this ’80s gem, so this is more of a “note to self.”

Hottie: Men in our wheelhouse are now dapper Dans, studs or hunks. No more hotties!

I know, right?: You’re basically just asking the person you’re speaking with to agree with you … again. 

Just sayin’: We know you’re just sayin’. You just said it.

Killer: Unless you’re Rachel Zoe, referring to the dress you just scored at Forever 21 as “killer” is trying way too hard. Don't worry, you can still shop at Forever 21 for BASICS ONLY.

LOL: A grown woman can actually tell someone “that just made me laugh.”

My bad: Nope, you’re sorry.

Nom nom nom: Without getting into the etymology of this word, I’ll just say it involves Cookie Monster. 

OMG: Similarly to LOL, speaking in acronyms is no longer allowed. You’re not in the military.

Phish: Try Jimmy Buffett instead.

Quad: As in “see you on the quad.” College was far too long ago to make reference to meeting someone here.

Ridic: As with “hilar” and “delish,” shortening words is UNACCEPTABLE.

Sweet: Unless describing a sugary substance or a child’s smile, this word can no longer express excitement or as a reaction to someone giving you a gift.

Totally: “I agree” or, for the fancier types, “I concur.”

Uber: Not the car service but the hyperbolic prefix to anything you deem “the best ever!!!!” It’s annoying.

V (peace sign): I’m cheating a little here, but I think it’s important to no longer “peace out” when leaving an establishment. You’re capable of giving proper goodbyes.

Whatevs: Could you sound anymore like a hormonal teenager ignoring her dad’s sage advice?

Yo: There are about a million other ways to get someone’s attention, and you need to start using them.

Z: I couldn’t think of anything for “Z.” My husband suggested “Zoltan” from “Dude, Where’s My Car?” which makes me think he needs this list more than anyone.

Katie Killacky Toomey is a RedEye special contributor.

CHICAGO

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