The city is celebrating positive Fahrenheit temperatures with more excitement than if the CTA had announced it was dropping those pesky Ventra cards. The Polar Vortex, #ChiBeria, the weather that gave the entire Chicagoland area an excuse to claim hard liquor as a substitute for water because the pipes were all frozen, is gone.
Work was done at home. Approximately 73,923 Instagrams of frost ON THE INSIDE OF THE WINDOWS, YOU GUYS were shared. Idiots burned themselves throwing boiling water out their backdoors and wondered how long it would take for (insert inanimate damp object here) to freeze.
I know, I did all of those things.
But the coldest temperatures I can remember now have come and gone, and if I learned anything, it’s that there are a lot of things I’d also like to see never return again. For example …
It was clever. It was fun. I pounded the pound sign on Twitter with the term more times than I could count Monday. But as my brain thaws, I’m getting sick of the hashtag quicker than my toe warmers froze over in my house slippers yesterday. (You’re damn right I have house slippers.) We brought it upon ourselves; time to move on. Might I suggest #plainoldwinter?
Minnesota has it worse
Oh, really? You mean, as our neighbors to the northwest, it’s actually more frigid for you? We get it. Could you give us a break? Are we not entitled to a little commiserating without having to hear constant reminders that five degrees below zero is like spring break for you guys?
Look at my dibs/Look at my a-hole neighbor’s dibs
Dibs are dibs. If history serves me correctly, they were invented when Chicago’s first settler, Jean Baptiste Point du Sable, parked a cow outside his farmhouse to save a spot for his plow because Al Capone’s posse kept taking the space cleared for him by Mrs. O’Leary. Or something like that. Whatever the backstory, they’ve been here forever, they’ll be here forever, and the energy spent boasting or complaining could be better used chucking some white stuff off the street.
It’s really not that cold
Hey, brah, I appreciate the effort, but wearing your basketball shorts and a T-shirt outside while proclaiming “It’s not that bad,” isn’t just false, it’s medically frowned upon. It was cold. It was freezing. It was enough for Chicago Public Schools to say “eff this noise” for two days in a row, and that says something. Admit you immediately ran for a hot shower after your roommate took the Instagram, and next time, at least put on a damn hoodie.
I’m moving south, LOL!
No you’re not. Once the head freeze is gone, you’ll remember that in less than four months, the Lollapalooza lineup will be announced. The mess a few months of winter throws at every one of us makes the summer that much more enjoyable. If you’re the type of person apt to change your entire living situation based solely on the weather, you’re also the type to complain about the climate once you get there. Stay put.
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