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I watched that 'Teen Mom' sex tape thing

Yesterday at 11:30 a.m. I knew the following about Farrah Abraham: 1. She had a child at a young age. 2. That child helped her snag a role as a featured person on MTV's "Teen Mom," a show a lot of women I know watch to make themselves feel better about their own lives. 3. Her name is Farrah Abraham.

Last night, that all changed with my viewing of "Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom."

The celebrity sex tape game is nothing new. You can make a direct argument that it's the sole reason the Kardashian family is the omnipresent monolith that it is today. From Pamela Anderson to Paris Hilton, a "leaked sex tape" has proven to be a sure-fire way to maintain attention and to drum up new interest for female celebrities, regardless of list status. A lot of that is due to the bass-ackwards mentality we have about sex and the culture of celebrity worship in this country. Oh, there are thousands of women representing every possible ethnicity/size/height/weight a guy could want to see? (Make no mistake, barring a few examples, the adult film industry is focused toward appeasing the sexual appetites of men.) Meh. Wait, now I can watch an adult film featuring some girl I vaguely saw on TV while hungover on the couch one Saturday? MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, I'VE GOT TO SEE THIS.

Abraham has appeared to have embraced the way the game is played now. She told anyone who would listen that the tape was "private" and that it was an intimate moment that was stolen and then sold. That story is BS. This is a professionally shot pornographic film starring her and one of the most popular porn stars of the last five years. James Deen, Ms. Abraham's co-star, isn't even trying with the "leak" story. He has no qualms mentioning that it was staged, just like anyone with two eyes can see through that story. Transparency can be refreshing, right? Why do we need to believe a narrative about this? It's kind of depressing.

As for the film itself? Having seen my fair share of adult movies (grow up, so have you), I can tell you the following:

1. Farrah Abraham does not have natural breasts. I'll give you a moment to clutch your pearls.
All good? Let's move on.

2. James Deen approaches the film (and Ms. Abraham) like a plumber approaches a basement leak. He comes in, exchanges pleasantries, lays the pipe in a way that reminds you you're dealing with a seasoned professional here, then leaves.

3. There are three scenes: one in a limo, one in a shower and one in a bed with a down comforter that looks very comfy.

4. Ms. Abraham seems to have a very energetic appetite for sex. If you'll pardon my casual slang, the juice really gets loose.

5. The "back door" thing? It happens.

I fully expect to lose my job within 15 minutes of this being published. Hey, I had a good run.

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