Our dads are hilarious. And we know yours are, too. Tweet to @redeyechicago with the hashtag #fatherknowsbest and we'll feature our favorites on our site.

Last month, we took the plunge and asked our mothers for sex and relationship advice, in celebration of Mother's Day. We decided not to punish ourselves any further for Father's Day, and, instead, picked our dads' brains about everything you'd talk about at the bar with friends, three beers in and feeling reflective. Here's what they had to offer. Happy Father's Day!

 

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'TEXTS FROM MY DAD' EXTRA: Technology is hard, but, dammit, do our dads try to keep up. Play the video above to laugh at some of the best-worst texts from our dads -- then send us ones from your own! Tag @redeyechicago in your Twitter or Instagram screengrabs and include #fatherknowsbest.

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Pete Cantarelli, 66
Hometown: Mola di Bari, Italy
Dad to: Jessica Cantarelli, Metromix producer, editor

How did you get my mom to marry you?
I walked around without a shirt on and made sure she noticed. And I had a great Italian accent (still do).

I have a crush on one of my neighbors, how do I ask him/her out?
Never date your neighbors, too close for comfort. Although, I married my neighbor.

Who is your celebrity crush?
Debra Paget. She played Lily, the water girl, in "The Ten Commandments."

What was the career path you wish you'd chosen?
To be a linguist. I love languages -- except French. It's stupid.

What's the worst thing about getting older?
You can't bend over to tie your shoes.

What's the best thing about getting older?
You can do and say whatever the hell you want.

If you could go back in time, what year would you go to and why?
1969. It's the year I came to America. Everything was new and different. I didn't understand a lick of English, and the music was really good.

I have a zit, what should I do?
Leave it alone.

What's your idea of the best summer day?
Go out on the boat, catch some sun, grill some steaks. Or stay inside and watch "Jeopardy."  

 

 

 

Stacy Cromidas, 66
Hometown: Worcester, Mass.
Dad to: Rachel Cromidas, reporter

How did you get my mom to marry you?
After living together for several years, I said "Let's get married on the first business day of the New Year," explaining to her that's when we can get the judge I knew in the Bronx to marry us. She immediately agreed.

I have a crush on one of my neighbors, how do I ask him/her out?
Call your neighbor and explain that you are having a special dinner party that evening and that you are concerned about the soup and that you would like someone to OK the taste. After the tasting, invite the neighbor to join the dinner party!

Who is your celebrity crush?
Sailor Moon, of course.

What was the career path you wish you'd chosen?
Architect who designs the most livable buildings on the planet.
 
What's the worst thing about getting older?
Who is getting older?
 
What's the best thing about getting older?
I wouldn't know.

If you could go back in time, what year would you go to and why?
None of them. Because I am so mindful of the present and would not want to miss a nanosecond of the here and now.
 
I have a zit, what should I do?
Ignore it.

What's your idea of the best summer day?
Going to the nude beach at Gay Head in Martha's Vineyard, and then with my family having a bluefish dinner in Menemshap[, Mass.].

 

 

 

John Galliart, 53
Hometown: Hutchinson, Kan. 
Dad to: Jessica Galliart, social media lady

How did you get my mom to marry you?
Harassed her until she said yes. Actually got her pregnant and knew that I had to do the right thing and marry her.

I have a crush on one of my neighbors, how do I ask him/her out?
Get to know them through small talk so you can find out if they are already involved. Then just ask them to dinner or something you two have in common.

Who is your celebrity crush?
Julia Roberts. Always thought that she really is a "Pretty Woman."

What was the career path you wish you'd chosen?
Should have been a pro golfer. Actually should have stuck with accounting. I like working with numbers, and it's so much easier now with computers.

What's the worst thing about getting older?
Getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

What's the best thing about getting older?
Having more patience with things. Enjoying watching my children turn into wonderful adults and enjoying my grandchildren.

If you could go back in time, what year would you go to and why?
1979. I still had my 1974 Z-28 [Chevy Camaro], and gas was only 29 cents per gallon. I could drag Main Street all night.

I have a zit, what should I do?
Stop eating chocolate and cheese fries and use Proactiv.

What's your idea of the best summer day?
Temps in the low 70s and hiking in the Rocky Mountains, or playing golf and then hanging out by the pool.

 

 

 

Dick Morris, 57
Hometown: Loudonville, Ohio  
Dad to: Aly Morris, design director

How did you get my mom to marry you?
I asked. A better question is why did she say yes? I can only guess that I was persistent and good at selling Christmas trees, which got me in good with her parents.
 
I have a crush on one of my neighbors, how do I ask him/her out?
Well I'd try to "accidentally" meet them in the hallway or elevator. Then you could strike up a little conversation, suggest getting together for a drink or meal and see where it goes from there.
 
Who is your celebrity crush?
Christina Hendricks.
 
What was the career path you wish you'd chosen?
Coaching. I've never lost the passion for teaching sports and sportsmanship to kids.
 
What's the worst thing about getting older?
Not being to do things like you could when you were younger. Enjoy your youth!
 
What's the best thing about getting older?
Watching your kids mature and grow into successful adults. There is nothing that tops that.
 
If you could go back in time, what year would you go to and why?
1975. High school senior; the draft had just ended, I was getting ready to start a new life as an adult and I didn't have a care in the world. The perfect small-town American life!
 
I have a zit, what should I do?
Patience, this too shall pass!
 
What's your idea of the best summer day?
Mid-70s, all my work done, relaxing on the golf course, then enjoying having my family around the rest of the day.

 

 

 

Dan Purdom, 61
Hometown: Elmhurst, Ill.
Dad to: Gwen Purdom, copy editor

How did you get my mom to marry you?
By being her best friend and sharing everything with her. I also added lifts in my shoes so she'd think I was taller.
 
I have a crush on one of my neighbors, how do I ask him/her out?
The boring answer is knock on his door and say "You want to go out?" I don't think on a first date you want to do romantic overtures, that might be a little over the top.
 
Who is your celebrity crush?
There are several. Ann Margaret would be one. Robin Wright. Jennifer O'Neill in "Summer of '42." I gave my wife a hall pass for Justin Timberlake, I think she'd do the same for me.
 
What was the career path you wish you'd chosen?
Center fielder for the Chicago Cubs. It demonstrates my lack of talent that I couldn't make the Cubs and they still suck.
 
What's the worst thing about getting older?
I forget ...
 
What's the best thing about getting older?
Grandchildren. I've got to talk to that boyfriend of yours, [Gwen].
 
If you could go back in time, what year would you go to and why?
I'd like to go back to 1865 and talk with Lincoln. I'd just listen to him. I would bombard him with questions.
 
I have a zit, what should I do?
Pop it in the mirror and go for distance.
 
What's your idea of the best summer day?
Eighteen holes of golf, a long bike ride and dinner with my family.







Jesus Sosa, 65
Hometown: Rio Piedras, Puerto Rico
Dad to: Chris Sosa, sports editor

How did you get my mom to marry you?
I was an ex-seminarian with little dating experience. Maybe that made me a bit different in her eyes. I just knew she was the one, and we hit it off.
 
I have a crush on one of my neighbors, how do I ask him/her out?
It is hard to like someone from afar who seems so close. I would take the direct route. It is better to make a move and know one way or the other if you have a chance.
 
Who is your celebrity crush?
I really like Salma Hayek. Smart, beautiful and successful women are appealing.
 
What was the career path you wish you'd chosen?
Sometimes I wish I had tried acting. I like to make people laugh.
 
What's the worst thing about getting older?
Getting to the point where things that came naturally are now difficult. Of course, you figure it out as you go, but it takes more work.
 
What's the best thing about getting older?
Marveling at how great your kids turned out and meeting your grandkids.
 
If you could go back in time, what year would you go to and why?
I think it would have been fun to be an adult in the 1950s when we were just beginning to explore and experience all those things we take for granted today. And of course, I would have enjoyed every moment of the magical 1959 White Sox season, when their infield was anchored by two Hall of Famers.
 
I have a zit, what should I do?
Quit popping the sucker, see a dermatologist and stick to the treatment. More of the pesky beggars are sure to come if you don't.
 
What's your idea of the best summer day?
I can think of many possibilities, but one in particular stands out because I may never get to do it again: Smoking a fine cigar in the outfield seats at the Cell on a warm summer night (beer in hand, optional).
 


 

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