By Jessica Galliart, @jessicagalliart
June 5, 2013
Karma is a bitch -- the baddest bitch, I'd say.
We've all fantasized about a universal day of reckoning for the people of Chicago who insist on interrupting our daily goings-on with their "Are you kidding me?" behaviors. One South Side alderman decided to take matters into his own all-powerful hands by introducing a proposal to City Council on Wednesday to punish the idiots who chuck garbage out of their cars--moving or not--by upping the fine up to $1,500 and possibly even impounding the trash-ejecting automobile itself.
While I'm not sure issuing the threats of a hefty fine and a stern "I'll take it away!" will do much to curb littering, since Chicago cops kind of already have their hands full with other things (murder, guns, murder...), my vindictive brain did gather a little inspiration for some other Chicago Punishment Proposals to be employed upon the masses of public nuisances who give this city a bad name. And just royally piss me off on my way to work.
Offense: Not picking up your dog's shit
Punishment: Poop mail
I am *thisclose* to catching the old lady on my street red-handed when she walks her two giant dogs in the morning, letting them drop massive dung-piles up and down my block and never once picking it up. This is already an offense punishable by a fine of up to $500 if you're caught. But, you know, if we were in Brunete, Spain, revenge would be so much stinkier. There, if you leave behind your dog's special presents, you'll get it returned back to you in the form of a gift box in the mail. Seeing as our city's leadership consists of a mayor who's totally cool with sending smelly things in the mail, I'm shocked we haven't adopted this already.
Offense: Parking dibs
Punishment: Car Igloo
While it's highly entertaining to witness the lengths Chicagoans go to in order to secure their freshly shoveled parking spot in the winter, it's probably not that funny when you're the one who's just trying to find a parking spot and go on with your day. So if you want that parking spot on a PUBLIC STREET OF CHICAGO you plowed out yourself when you return home, you're going to get it. And you're going to stay there. Because the Parking Dibs Police will be waiting for you, and your car is getting hosed down until it's a Mr. Freeze masterpiece.
Offense: Walking your dog off-leash
Punishment: Mine, now!
I mean, you clearly don't want your dog anymore, right? This is already punishable by a fine of up to $200, but if you live, uh, on a street in Chicago, you can see it's clearly not working. (You know what's awkward? Getting your leg humped by a loose dog while you attempt to turn down the volume on that aggro track you're pumping through your earbuds after a struggle day.) If the offender is closely following his mutt only 1,000 feet behind, leash in hand but not attached to the thing it's made for, he's definitely headed to the pound to give the dog away. I catch it, I keep it. Thanks for playing!
Offense: Drunk couple-fighting in public
Punishment: Handcuffed suburb adventure
Most often witnessed after the midnight hour along Clark Street in Wrigleyville or Milwaukee Avenue in Wicker Park, this can take a turn from dynamic annoyance to public nuisance when Jen squats down in the middle of the sidewalk, crying on her cell phone, and Mike throws his shirt off in a fit of rage because she's just so unreasonable, man. So how do we right this wrong? Last year, a Florida judge ordered a fighting couple to have dinner together at Red Lobster. While we would never consider Cheddar Bay Biscuits a punishment, we can appreciate a sentence that is as excruciating for the offenders as possible. So how about extraditing the lovebirds off to the suburbs for a week to complete a scavenger hunt of IKEA shopping lists and Pace rides while handcuffed? Clark Street will be safer (for a week, at least), and they'll either realize they love Arlington Heights (and each other) and abandon the city for their new life together -- or just kill each other. Either way, problem solved.
Offense: Talking on cellphones on the CTA
Punishment: Cone of shame
Who are you guys talking to? You know that you can't hear the person on the other end better if YOU yell, right? Sorry, getting off-track.
One of the worst public nuisances of the morning bus ride is the Cellphone Screamer. And it has to stop. Therefore, CTA Marshals stationed on every train car and every bus will be strapped with a bundle of ready-to-go dog cones that can be attached to the offender's neck when the offense has reached unbearable levels. If the offender then switches to speakerphone, the CTA Marshal will instruct passengers to "have at it" and get the hell out of their vengeful way.
JESSICA GALLIART IS REDEYE'S SOCIAL MEDIA LADY. SHE IS ALSO A DECENT CANDIDATE FOR THE TITLE OF "CHICAGO PUNISHER," AS LONG AS SHE GETS TO WEAR COMBAT BOOTS AND A T-SHIRT WITH A SKULL ON IT WHILE CARRYING OUT HER DUTIES.
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