Welcome to Hell yeah/Hell no, RedEye's regular column in which we answer your questions about etiquette in Chicago and how to not be an asshole, in general.
*Jessica is not a professional etiquette expert, nor is she that great of a human being, to be honest. RedEye is not responsible for actions resulting from this column. Use advice at your own risk. (C'mon, don't use this advice.)
Explain the proper use of the escalator, please. Left: walking. Right: Standing couples should stand in a row, not side to side.
BUT THE ESCALATOR IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO MOVE.
Someone is plastering their used contact lenses to the wall in the men's room. Is it rude to put up a sign?
Hell no, but only if the "sign" is constructed from the used lenses themselves. And blood. I would recommend something to the effect of "I'm watching you."
Is it appropriate to light a bag on fire if someone puts theirs on an open seat on the CTA?
Hell no. I think the message you're trying to get across -- "Hey, dick, you're a dick" -- would be more successful with something a little more subtle. Try inconspicuously (or hell, conspicuously) peeing on it, instead. Or maaaaybe you could light it on fire and THEN pee on it ...
What's the best way to cut around the slow walkers of the city who walk four across, "Sex and the City" style?
Idiot! They obviously are just opening up the floor for a game of Red Rover. Join in! Ashley's going down.
What should I do when people ask for advice, only to not take my advice, and do the exact opposite of what I told them?
Frustrating, isn't it? Statistically speaking, the advice you dole out to friends, loved ones and strangers on the Red Line is great stuff 99.8 percent of the time. Why can't people just understand and accept that you are always right? Ack!
Here's some advice about giving advice: You can't give a damn whether or not the person follows it. That's not the point. Without going the extra butthead mile to drop a "I'm just sayin'" in there, you have to develop this attitude in order to give thoughtful advice, if that's really what you're going for. When it blows up in their face later, give them a shoulder to cry on while you stroke their back, tell them it will be OK and take a selfie of yourself maniacally grinning.
Is throwing an elbow to the face allowed if people won't let you out at your stop during rush hour in the morning?
GOT A CHICAGO ETIQUETTE QUESTION? LEAVE YOURS IN A COMMENT BELOW, TWEET TO @JESSICAGALLIART OR EMAIL JGALLIART@TRIBUNE.COM.
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