Earlier today, I wrote a really above-average column about 12-12-12 and making the most of life and flowers and kissing your lover tenderly and all that. Then my browser crashed and I lost it all.
Look people, time is of the essence. Do you understand how hard it is coming up with "viral" stuff? I know, BuzzFeed makes this crap look easy.

Buzzfeed editor:"Hey guys! I'm going to add this photo of that Corgi that looks like Frederick Douglass playing soccer to our "People who are having a better day than you did in the '80s" gallery!"

Buzzfeed staff: Approvals
The internet:LOL
Meanwhile, I'm over here looking like...
The pressure can be too much sometimes. So you know what? Screw it. I don't even care anymore. Here's a bunch of stuff that has to do with the number 12. Read it. Share it on all of your social networks. Not on any social networks? Go make one and then post it there,

Um ... remember that movie "12 Monkeys"? Brad Pitt was in it. Here's a clip.


Not bad, right? He's a real dreamboat! Speaking of monkeys, how about that damn IKEA monkey everyone loves?




That monkey is so cute I just got Type 2 Diabetes.
Hmm ... I need to do something for the all-important local visitors. How about R. Kelly? He's from Chicago! You know Chicago, that mammoth, sprawling metropolis that's way better than NYC? Anyway, Kells made an album called "12 Play" and here's a song from it that you might know.


Jamzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Hoo boy, this is hard. OK. How about something for the sports fans? Remember John Stockton? He wore No. 12!

Guess who else did? Terry Bradshaw! Well? How's that? Not enough? OK, here's some stuff that happened on December 12, 1912 I just grabbed off of Wikipedia. (NOTE: I made some annotations. #journalism)

>> U.S. Representative Charles C. Bowman of Pennsylvania was unseated by a 153-118 vote of his fellow House Congressmen, who concluded that he had used corrupt practices to be elected in 1910. (More like Charles C. BoooooooMan, am I right?)
>> Eduard Müller was elected President of the Swiss Confederation.(Well, damn! Shouts to him. BTW, "Swiss Confederation" totally sounds like some band that would blow up at SXSW in 2002 and then be at like 304 festivals that summer and everyone would make a crappy Pandora station that just plays Interpol the whole time.)

Did that strike a nerve with any of you? Are you sharing this? I NEED THESE UNIQUES, PEOPLE. My boss is standing over my shoulder as I type this and he said if we don't hit our page-view goal, he's going to eat a lightbulb and make us watch. Please don't make me watch, you guys.

Happy 12/12/12!