4:49 AM CST, January 28, 2013
I was in a London Starbucks checking my e-mail when I noticed the internet wasn’t working. Could it be a router problem, I wondered? Possibly. Then later I found out that Disney announced J.J. Abrams would direct the new “Star Wars” film, and everything fell into place.
As someone who is “Star Wars”-literate yet stands outside the geek-level passion, nothing pleases me more than watching the furor erupt over every “Star Wars”-related announcement of the past fifteen years. The best “Star Wars” movie after “The Empire Strikes Back” is actually a documentary called “The People vs. George Lucas,” which is just about how insane “Star Wars” fans are.
This is why if I were J.J. Abrams, I would be so, so, so tempted to just tank-dive this movie like a dolphin at the Shedd Aquarium. Just watching the internet spasm in ecstasy and fury over the mere announcement of his name attached to “Star Wars Episode VII: The Fomenting Senatorial Procedural Issues” (working title), has been great fun. Could you imagine if he took hold of the reigns of this beloved franchise and just shit the bed on purpose?
People would flip. The f***. Out.
If this movie sucked in just the right way, the internet would melt. Abrams would have to go into hiding. Disney would have to hire Blackwater security to prevent nerd-terrorist attacks. It would be incredibly amusing is what I’m saying.
It would almost be more fun if the movie is terrible than if it’s good. If it’s good, we’ll all just have endless circle-jerk arguments about where it stands against the original films. If it’s awful, though, the ensuing media circus will be the greatest diversion from our national depression since Britney Spears shaved her head in the middle of the Iraq war.
It wouldn’t even be that hard to make it suck: just follow George Lucas’s roadmap for episodes I-III.
Hire a terrible actor for the male lead, introduce aliens who are racist caricatures, bring back the Ewoks, have Chewbacca dream of Diahann Carroll for a holiday-themed bit, and use nothing but endless cartoon-looking CGI. So easy!
However, on a serious note, whether J.J. decides to make a good movie or a bad one, he should absolutely pay me for my character idea, introduced in a previous column: Bisby Jinx, the jive-talking robot. His catchphrase, as if I need to remind you, is, “Hey, turkey! Hit the hyper-drive!”
Also, here’s something crazy that I just found on-line: in 2009, after seeing the new “Star Trek” movie, I suggested that Lucas should recruit J.J. Abrams to redo the “Star Wars” prequels, which either means my blogging influence is vaster than I understand or I have way more midi-chlorians in my bloodstream than I first thought:
Maybe every blog and column I write are a “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for" kinda thing.
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