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redeyechicago.com

I Am Also Disappointed With My Grammar and Spelling Mistakes

Stephen Markley

2:00 PM CDT, July 15, 2012

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So I enjoy giving my friend Bojo shit about anything I can possibly think of. Like probably half my waking hours are spent wondering, “How can I hand this kid shit? In what form would the shit be? How quickly must I sneak up on him and deliver said shit?”

Therefore, I was delighted when I discovered one of his favorite bands (The National) had covered a Bruce Springsteen song because Bojo’s always like, “Hey, Steve, you’re stupid. You like Bruce Springsteen. My name’s Bojo. I have a beard.” (That is a pretty good impression of what Bojo’s like, except I’m probably leaving out how much he’s dancing to “Call Me Maybe” when he says it).

Anyway, I sent him an e-mail vouchsafing this information, including within the e-mail an invitation to lick a certain part of my anatomy, and you know how he replied to me? Here it is:

No thanks. And my Mom wants me to tell you that she's disappointed in the number of spelling and grammar mistakes that she finds in your blogs.

Ouch, dude! Not cool. Too far. Too soon. Unfair.

First of all, I’m well aware of what a terrible grammatician, speller, and editor I am. It is a perpetual source of embarrassment because I have a number of friends who write, Tweet, and Facebook me every time I screw something up in a blog post. I’m not sure what it is that predisposes certain people who make a living from writing to shockingly bad grammatical errors, but I’m an acute sufferer of this malady.

One time I was talking about this with my editor at Cars.com, who after complimenting my stories and my writing style added in verbal parentheticals, “But you need to learn the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their.’”

So second of all, I know the difference between “there” and “their.” I understand it. I guess when you’re writing as fast and as often as I do, trying to be brilliant and hilarious 24-hours a day [Insert joke here about how I should attempt to get to a minute first], every once in a while you accidentally use the wrong “their.” Let’s just say there’s a scene in “Friends” when Rachel writes Ross a long note that Ross falls asleep before he can finish and when they have a big fight about it, Ross goes, “By the way: Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘You. Are.’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your.’” And I totally sympathize with Rachel in this scene.

(Great, now I bet Bojo will make fun of me because I like “Friends” and have many scenes from its amazing decade-long run memorized.)

I guess all this is just to say that I apologize for all the editing mistakes I make on this blog on a daily basis, but I have to get back at my friend, so here it goes:

While we were staying in Iceland, we had this balloon in our apartment, and Bojo “invented” this “game” where he batted the balloon around with the goal of keeping it from touching the ground. The above picture is him playing it. Don’t worry, ladies, he’s still singel.