8:39 AM CDT, July 17, 2012
I’m in a bind. My friend Elliott and I bought tickets to see the much-anticipated conclusion to Chris Nolan’s Batman trilogy, “The Dark Knight Rises” on IMAX this Wednesday.
Let me note that this is exactly the way I want to see it. With over an hour of footage shot specifically for the IMAX screen, it’s one of the few times a $20 movie ticket is totally worth it (“Avatar” and “Watchmen” being very important instances of when it was not). Secondly, I’m very happy to be going on a bro-date with Elliott.
Bro-dates are actually way better than real dates with women because you don’t have to buy a guy friend’s ticket, you can go round for round on drinks with them afterward, and a hand-job at the end of the night is a bonus instead of a disappointment.
Furthermore, I just can’t take a woman to see “The Dark Knight Rises.” I saw “The Dark Knight” three times in theaters when it came out. The first time, I was so stoned I didn’t remember anything about it except for there was a lot of light and color. The second time I saw it on IMAX for $20 (and it was worth every penny). The third time I went with my then-girlfriend, to whom I said afterward, “So? How awesome was that?”
“Sure,” she said. “It was okay.”
“Heath Ledger was good.”
“Good?! Okay?! These are not acceptable adjectives.”
“It’s a guy movie. You like anything with a troubled rogue riding off in the distance at the end—just look at your entire obsession with Bruce Springsteen music.”
My point being that women are practitioners of psychological withcraft, and I want to enjoy my Batman movies without the commentary on my psychosexual issues. Elliott knows nothing of psychosexual issues (other than his own), so we can just go to this awesome movie and watch Bane blow up a football stadium and Anne Hathaway wear skin-tight leather.
The problem arises from the five-day lag between the film’s release and our opportunity to see it. There will literally be nothing else on the Internet for those five days other than people debating the film’s merits, plot points, and place in the Nolan oeuvre. The 2012 presidential election, Syria’s civil war, the horrific drought of the Great Plains—all of this bullshit will take a backseat to the debate over the raspiness of Batman’s voice and whether Joseph Gordon-Levittis in fact Robin the Boy Wonder or not Robin the Boy Wonder?
(Please, please, no Robin the Boy Wonder).
How am I going to avoid this? I won’t be able to watch TV or go on-line—and I definitely cannot go anywhere near Twitter since I know all the people I follow from Roger Ebert to Paul Krugman will be Tweeting spoilers. I guess I could read a copy of this so-called news-papper thing? Certainly there’s almost no information left in those.
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