2013 begins on a divisive note today as talks between Republicans and the Obama administration led to a partial deal following a marathon session of neg—Oh, shit, wait, hold on. Kim Kardashian is pregnant! Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening. Wow. And it’s not just some mediocre basketball player’s sad spurt of sperm either. It’s Kanye’s!
Shit, OK, anyway, um, the main focus of the talks demonstrates Barack Obama’s sharp learning curve over the first four years of his presidency, in which he continuously attempted to reach common, bi-partisan ground only to be rebuffed by a dangerously nihilistic Republican opposition… You know, all I’m saying is that we all knew something was up when Khloe tweeted, “Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!!!”
Anyhow, the sad fact of our democratic process is that one party has been captured by an ideology that isn’t interested in governance so much as its own accretion of political power and absolute, unbending servility to the millionaires and billionaires who now hold a disproportionate share of American political—But seriously, a Kanye-Kim baby is going to totally eclipse Blue Carter for sheer bombastic celebribaby power. Because while Beyonce and Jay-Z are both talented, Kim Kardashian is simply talentless, pure, distilled celebrity. Kanye also happens to be nuts. I can’t think of a celebrity baby that has the potential to be a more fascinating, damaged, reality show perversion. Really, the only question is how weird the name is going to be—although wouldn’t it be funny if they just named him or her something like “Tom West” or “Ashley West”?
Ack! All right, sorry. I’m just excited. What was I writing about? Oh yeah, fiscal cliff bullshit. So the fiscal cliff has been half-solved in a deal that favors way too many rich people, but the positions of the two warring factions nevertheless remain the same. Having trounced Republicans in the election on this very issue—that it’s preposterous to start slashing America’s already-weak social safety net just so rich people don’t see a tiny increase in their marginal tax rates—Obama has nevertheless given more ground than he likely needed to. Meanwhile, with every passing day Republicans are demonstrating just how useless yet dangerous their caucus has become. The analogy to certain political factions in the last years of the Roman Empire is becoming particularly acute: they view every vote, every move, and every crisis as a political opportunity. So much so that they are actually creating false crises in order to extract concessions via hostage-taking, which you’ll remember is how we got to the “fiscal cliff” in the first place…
But seriously, do Kim and Kanye even have one of those weird celebrity names yet? Kimye? Or Westdashian? Or what about Kanyashian! Jay-Z has gotta be the godfather, right? And I bet we’ll have at least one reality show out of this—or possibly an entire reality series from birth to death. Talk about the easiest billion dollars you’ve ever heard of—it’s practically sitting on the table.
Damn, I feel like 2013 is going to be an amazing year.Copyright © 2015, RedEye