11:06 AM CST, January 4, 2013
I recently inherited a large amount of Leinenkugel’s beer from friends who had a New Years Eve party and wanted to get rid of the excess alcohol. It wasn’t until I’d gotten home and unpacked it in my refrigerator that I remembered: Leinenkugel’s is dogshit.
It is the worst brewery in human history. There are tribes of undiscovered hunter-gatherers in the depths of the Amazon who are brewing superior alcoholic products to Leinenkugel’s. There are Superfund sites with stewing toxic combinations of ammonia and mercury that could brew a better beer. Leinenkugel’s beer couldn’t win a taste test among corpses because they’d all be tasting their own embalming fluid and wondering what the difference was. Leinenkugel’s is the Britney Spears's C-section scar crotch-shot of beer.
But it is still beer, so my roommate Pat and I have been dutifully drinking all of it.
This gave me the novel idea, however, of becoming a Leinenkugel’s insult comic—that is, an insult comic like Triumph or Don Rickles but focusing exclusively on Leinenkugel’s beer. I’d have no other topic in my act but how much I hate Leinenkugel’s. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
• “Snowdrift Vanilla Porter, huh? Tastes more like a hippopotamus gorged itself on vanilla beans and got diarrhea.”
• “Hey, Leinenkugel’s: adding ‘Weiss’ to the end of a beer name does not stop me from getting diabetes.”
• “If I had to choose between drinking a Sunset Wheat or the liquefied remnants of a piece of roadkill that’s been sitting in the sun for a week, I guess I’d have to go buy blender because of all the little bones.”
• “Ah, Berry Weiss: a beer so pussy-ass, even Mike’s Hard Lemonade beats it up on the playground.”
• “Hey, Leinenkugel’s, I’d call Summer Shandy the worst thing to happen to humanity since Hitler, but at least Hitler built good roads.”
• “Okay, you win, I’ll give you the Fireside Nut Brown Ale—that really does taste like darkly-complected man’s testicles.”
• “Did you have any pebbles I could suck on for a while? No? How about some sand or pavement grit? Maybe I could lick an outdoor basketball? No, none of that? Okay, I guess I’ll just drink Leinenkugel’s Creamy Dark.”
I’m still working out the kinks in a few of these, but pretty soon I’ll be ready to take this show on the road. Anybody know of any good venues to play in Wisconsin?
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