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redeyechicago.com

Baby Alien Skeleton Totally Freaking Me Out

Stephen Markley

4:39 PM CDT, May 5, 2013

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So I was perusing Weather.com trying to figure out if it was going to be 85 or 43 degrees in Chicago on a given day, and what should I happen upon but this story about an “alien-looking skeleton” that “poses a medical mystery."

After watching the video of this tiny skeleton discovered in the Atacama Desert, all I can say is calling this a “medical mystery” is the understatement of the year.

It’s a freaking goddamn baby alien skeleton, people. That’s scrotum-shrinkingly weird.

I would say check out the pictures of this dome-headed, tiny alien skeleton except you won’t be able to fall asleep for a month. Jesus Christ, just when I’d gotten the Montauk Monster out of my memory this thing comes along.

Sure, the scientists are talking like this is just a couple of deformities and maybe some screwy DNA, but come on, scientists, we’re not stupid. This thing only has ten ribs, whereas humans have twelve; it’s six inches long even though DNA tests say it was between six and eight years old; oh yeah, and it looks like a f***ing alien.

So what’s the plan here, aliens? Are you invading us with your babies? Did your babies build the pyramids and the Easter Island statues? Or maybe you’re all just that size, and you’re messing with our heads by using the alien-human hybrids you’ve implanted among the population (Obama, LeBron) to craft a narrative that you’re not so diminutive?

Or what if the aliens saw the last two to three seasons of “X-Files” and were like, “Wow, did that show plummet downhill. And what’s with the second movie, ‘X-Files: I Want to Believe’ where Mulder and Scully are like playing house and Mulder is wanted by the FBI until he performs like the barest of consulting gigs on this pedophile psychic, and there’s also something about cutting people’s heads off to stick them on other bodies, and really the whole movie is just total dogshit, and there’s even a scene where Scully has to perform some kind of experimental stem cell procedure on a dying kid, so she Googles ‘stem cell therapy’—Oh, I’m sorry, your surgeon is going to begin her experimental procedure by Googling the procedure? I don’t think so, ‘X-Files: I Want to Believe.’ We need to drop some of our dead babies on to Earth just in the hopes that Chris Carter and Vince Gilligan will do one more X-Files movie that isn’t a pile of putrid garbage.”

What if that’s the plot behind the baby alien skeleton?