How to survive waiting in club lines

No one likes waiting—not for the train, not for a crush to text you back, and certainly not for the damn self-checkout lanes at Dominick's. But no waiting game is more soul-crushing than the line outside a club.

It's a special and horrific kind of social abuse that we willingly invite as we shift our weight from aching foot to aching foot, texting in that desperately nonchalant way and wishing someone would just LET US IN ALREADY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF BEYONCE. Here's how to make it through the line with a scrap of dignity intact.

1. Don't show up already wasted. Hey, I know how expensive those club drinks are, so I won't begrudge you a shot before leaving your apartment, but keep it to one or two. The biggest jerk waiting to get past the velvet ropes always is the drunk guy or girl who doesn't realize how obnoxious his or her whining is. Plus, bouncers don't want to let potential riff raff in anyway.

2. Don't name drop. Unless you and Avicii have matching tattoos and are planning to chill together all night, do not utter the words: "I know the DJ/manager/bartender/server/girl who hands you a towel in the bathroom." If you really do know management, they should make sure you get in without you having to grovel.

3. Don't buy in to the beauty pageant. It's tough not to spiral into an existential crisis when you see bouncers letting other people through the door while you're still stuck outside breathing in River North traffic exhaust. "Is it my hair? Is it this dress? Should I be more tan right now?" Stop it. Yes, sometimes pretty people get special treatment in life, but that's unfair and lame and there's no reason to think you're a lesser person because of how close you are to ordering bottle service.

4. Don't try to latch on to your friends inside. Clubs don't work like green cards—having friends inside doesn't grant you automatic club citizenship. Asking them to interrupt their good time to try to drag your butt through the door is lame and probably won't work.

5. Be patient. Yes, young grasshopper, this is the only way to survive. Find your inner Zen place (as much as you can in 4-inch heels) and wait your turn. If the waiting gets ridiculous, head to another bar—no club is the only game in town.

What's in the tips above is as important as what's not in there. You'll see nothing about bribing bouncers, sticking your boobs out, flirting with people ahead of you in line or complaining about how badly you have to pee.

If you're one to employ those tactics, I don't want to be hanging out with you in the club anyway. Me and my crew will be the overdressed ones posted up at the dive bar down the street because we got sick of your nonsense.

Kate Bernot is RedEye's nightlife reporter. She once left a club line to use the bathroom at Starbucks and thinks waiting is always better when you have a scone in your purse.


Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye's Facebook page

Copyright © 2015, RedEye
Related Content
  • Genealogy gold mine: Millions of wills now online

    Genealogy gold mine: Millions of wills now online

    Thousands of amateur genealogists who fantasize about being left a fortune by a distant relative can now get a reality check. Starting Wednesday, upward of 100 million wills written over the last three centuries will be posted to, the popular genealogical search engine.

  • Northerly Island Park opens Friday on Chicago lakefront

    Northerly Island Park opens Friday on Chicago lakefront

    Twelve years after former Mayor Richard M. Daley's "midnight raid" that shut down the small lakefront airstrip called Meigs Field, a new park will open Friday on the southern portion of what is now called Northerly Island, Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced Tuesday.

  • American recalls French train attack on Jimmy Fallon show

    American recalls French train attack on Jimmy Fallon show

    A California man who was one of three Americans who helped subdue a gunman on a high-speed train traveling to Paris says he couldn't have picked better people to be with that day.

  • Historic Gold Coast rowhouse for $1.375M

    Historic Gold Coast rowhouse for $1.375M

    855 N. Dearborn, Chicago $1,375,000 Listed on May 13, 2015 This historic three-bedroom, two-and-a-half-bath rowhouse is in the heart of Chicago's Gold Coast neighborhood. The three-story home has three decks, including a rooftop deck. The home also features hardwood flooring, central air conditioning...

  • Northerly Island Park: Beguiling lakefront landscape justifies Daley raid

    Northerly Island Park: Beguiling lakefront landscape justifies Daley raid

    A dozen years after Mayor Richard M. Daley carried out the infamous “midnight raid” that shut down the small lakefront airport called Meigs Field, the question lingers: Did the end justify the means?

  • 'A Walk in the Woods' is soft and mushy

    'A Walk in the Woods' is soft and mushy

    Because “A Walk in the Woods” quickly wanders from a funny look at life at a crossroads to an obvious series of embarrassing nonsense and basic observations about nature and people, let’s just rattle off some things bumbling around my head during the movie: