Welcome to the Chicago Winter Olympics.
Our motto: We're cooler than Sochi.
No shortage of snow here. No shorts, period. Just winter as it's meant to be. Cold. Raw. A quest for survival.
I'll be your host for today's overview of the Chicago winter games. Ready? Set? Let's go.
How fast can they get dressed? Contestants are timed as they put on the following, in precise order: underwear, long underwear, inner pants, outer pants, shirt, sweater, vest, a pair of thin socks, a pair of heavy socks, boots, coat, scarf, hat, gloves and a lapel button that says "I Love Rahm."
The Pothole Dash
This sport is expanding rapidly, according to the Federation Internationale des Potholes, which monitors potholes worldwide. Contestants must brake and swerve on a moment's notice to avoid the pothole plunge.
This year, according to the federation, Chicago potholes are at a historic high in both size and number, making this Olympic sport more dramatic than ever.
Extreme Shoveling, Short Track
Nicknamed "the infinite sport," this game of stamina requires contestants to remove snow from a 10-meter patch of sidewalk. And then do it again. And again. Until June or the snow stops, whichever comes first.
Note: Shovels only. Despite a campaign by the Chicago Snowblowers Union, Olympic officials refuse to permit snowblowing machines, on the grounds that snowblowing requires no special stamina or skill, not to mention the annoying noise.
Extreme Shoveling, Long Track
This competition is open to contestants willing to clear their neighbors' sidewalks as well as their own. Medals are awarded only to those who do it without complaining that their bleepin' neighbors should shovel their own bleepin' walks.
Team sport? Not this sport.
In the fierce game of freestyle driving, it's every driver for himself. Speeding on slick roads. Skidding through stop signs. Racing through icy curbside puddles and spraying slush on bystanders. Competitors in this game will do whatever it takes to get where they're going.
Slush Jumping, 1,500-meter
One of Chicago's most popular winter pastimes, often performed between an office and an "L" or Metra stop, slush jumping marries faith and dexterity into a death-defying feat. Contestants, often carrying bags, leap over deep, icy puddles in pursuit of a safe patch of sidewalk. Medals go to those who keep their shoes dry.