Holiday fare gets updated treatment

Mary Schmich

December 12, 2012


Nothing brightens the winter holidays like music.

So with apologies to the original writers of these tunes, and to everyone whose sensibilities may be offended, I've adapted a few seasonal songs for our place and time. Please sing along.

White Christmas

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like Chicago used to know
When the streets were icy
And walks were dicey
And dog poop lay beneath the snow.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Like on the Christmas cards I write
But our days are balmy and bright
And there's not a flake of snow in sight.


Let it Snow

Oh the weather outside is frightful
Cause the days are too delightful
We prefer it at 6 below
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

No, it doesn't show signs of chillin'
So we're beggin' old Tom Skillin'
Make the blizzardy winter blow!
Let it snow, let it snow, let snow.


O Come O Come, Emanuel

O come O come, O Rahm Emanuel
And save Chicago from financial hell
We fear our Windy City will go bust
But what's up with your infrastructure trust?

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Yes, Rahm, you are the man!
But must you be
So snooty 'bout your plans?

O come O come, O Rahm Emanuel
Must all our assets just be stuff to sell?
We know that you are king up on Five
But please don't tell the people "Hey, just drive"?

Rejoice, etc.


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

There's Mel Reynolds and Adam (that's Blago's defender)
Hutchinson, Harris, so many pretenders
But do you recall?
The most famous dreamer of all?

Donne "The Cowboy" Trotter
Had a very shiny gun
Now says the po-lice blotter,
Donne's in a heap of dung.

Since all of Donne's rivals
Heard of how he packed his heat
All of poor Donne's rivals
Think they'll win poor Jesse's seat.

'Twas one cold December eve
He went to O'Hare
With a handgun, ammo too!
Hidden near his underwear!

Then all of Donne's rivals
Shouted out with wacky glee,
Donne, the pistol packer
You won't get the victory!


Frosty the Snowman

Frosty the Snowman
Was as grumpy as a grinch
Cause there was no snow
In old Chee-caw-go
And he was a melting mensch.

Frosty the Snowman
Was a fairy tale they say
Cause Chicago's temps
Were for winter wimps
You'd've thought that this was May.

There must have been some warming
All around the globe this year
For when poor Frosty tried to thump
He just puddled like a beer.

Thumpety splash splash
Thumpety splash splash
Look at Frosty melt

Thumpety splash splash
Thumpety splash splash
Now he's just his belt.


Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow.
Oh never mind.


God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen

God help ye politicians
We watch ye in dismay
The polls are down for poor Pat Quinn
The state's in disarray

The pension plan's a total wreck
At least he's for the gays.

Oh the voters want comfort and joy!
Comfort and joy!
Oh please give to us some comfort and joy.

God help ye politicians
Obama, Boehner too
Your rift becomes our fiscal cliff
So what you gonna do?
Keep arguing till doomsday comes?
This Congress is a zoo!

Oh the voters want comfort and joy!
Comfort and joy!
Oh please give to us some comfort and joy.

Joy to the World

Joy to the world
The winter's come
And not a trace of snow!
Let every day
Be just like in LA!
No wintry snowstorm's roar!
No slush upon the floor!
It's heaven, it's heaven!
For all but Gore.