Romney Tat Boy, you really don't need lasers to remove facial piercings. Just pliers. And a hand.
Since we're on the topic of beauty, does the November Moutza go to those American women who've had their pinky toes surgically removed so they can fit into high-fashion high heels?
No. But years from now, perhaps with their families on the beach, they may hear their young daughters say, "Mommy, I'm going to grow up just like you, and get my toes lopped off, too."
Isn't that punishment enough?
Others want a Moutza for Mayor Rahm Emanuel, for raising CTA fares, then telling commuters that if they didn't like it, they could drive and pay for parking. But I can't very well Moutza the mayor and then bring him his Christmas gift, that lovely "The Rahmfather" portrait he covets so much.
You want a mayor to get a Moutza? Mayor Danny Sparks, of Olive Hill, Ky., will do. Arrested on drug-selling charges the other day, he resigned. But he did say he was sorry.
An easy Moutza could go to Cook County Assessor and Democratic boss Joe Berrios, who has more than a dozen relatives on the public payroll and defended it by comparing the situation to the Kennedys.
"Look at a great president that we had, President Kennedy," Berrios told the Chicago Sun-Times. "Who'd he appoint attorney general? You know? Same thing. You're saying Bobby Kennedy wasn't fit for the job? He (JFK) appointed his brother, and in government, people help many people. This is part of the process."
And so is this, Joe: Nah!
Still, Berrios is only doing what the Irish politicians taught him to do: hire his own. They got away with it for years, and they still do, so Berrios can't win the great monthly Moutza.
But there must be a winner, and we've got him: The round mound of the GOP establishment, the Rasputin of the Republican Party, Mr. White Board himself, Karl Rove.
On election night, Rove began babbling on Fox News that Romney would still win even after Fox called it for President Barack Obama. "It's premature!" Rove said. "It's premature to call it for Obama!"
Anyone who watched the Rovian meltdown — and the subsequent scoffing by anchor Megyn Kelly — could see Fox giving him the Moutza.
But doesn't he deserve another? Actually, I just took off my shoes and socks in my office, and I've still got my pinky toes, to give him a quadruple, 20-digit moutza.
Karl Rove, for all you've done, the Moutza of November is here. It's all for you.